


Hyped Up

by bambithepenguin



Category: Arctic Monkeys, Hurts (Band)
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2015-10-05
Packaged: 2018-04-19 04:15:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 32,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4732505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bambithepenguin/pseuds/bambithepenguin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The relationship between Theo and Alex is a strained one. However, two troublesome PR stunts, spiced with a fair dose of alcohol, unite the unlikely duo with a wish to rebel against the weird commands and their own attitudes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Time to Pretend

What is a musician’s image? A neatly wrapped and ribboned box of prominent traits that might bear as little resemblance to reality as a pie from a billboard looks like the one you actually buy in a supermarket. Nowadays, it is no less an advertisement than a brand logo. There is always an imaginary “™” symbol after the name. Primarily, whether an insolent rebel or a saccharine heartthrob, the persona must attract and interest the audience, and the tiniest bricks of it are chosen carefully, relying upon all kinds of factors. One factor is often neglected, though – the truthfulness of the attributed quality. In the pursuit of success and fame, there is little time and sometimes even will to think over honesty.

However, on his way across the dark streets of London, Alex had plenty. The idea of acting out an ardent affair with someone just as famous only to get the press’ attention seemed nasty and borderline offensive to him, and the management’s suggestion flamed him up. The lengthy row of objections he raised can be minimized to these points: that he was already famous enough, that he had nothing to promote at the moment anyway, that fake relationships are revolting and that, after all, he did not want that kind of fame whatsoever. All the protestations were parried carefully with a lecture on how ever-changing show business is and what amount of resourcefulness and regard it constantly requires. In the end, Alex rejected the absurd strategy – leastwise, he thought he did. In a few days, they called him again, and it turned out that they expected him to obey nonetheless, like when a kid shouts and slams the door but his parents keep calm because they know he does not really have a choice but do what they told him. It felt ridiculous that Alex, a grownup man and a well-known musician, could even think of this parallel and still had to follow somebody’s orders.

Entwined by these thoughts, Alex walked into a bar. He had been invited to a party there, and initially Alex intended to ignore it but changed his mind: on the one hand, he just wanted to have a quick drink and distract himself, on the other hand, this was a nice time and place for searching for a partner in crime, as Alex called it in his mind. This was one of the most prestigious bars of London and a noteworthy party so there was a fair chance that Alex would find someone suitable or at least bump into friends or acquaintances. Alex walked to the counter to take an observing position and grabbed a glass of whiskey. His eyes kept scanning the crowd in hopes of noticing a familiar face or at least one he would like to make familiar. These forced glances only supported Alex’s certainty that things should not – and would not work that way. If he had not been ordered to search, he would probably find someone at once. However, under the weight of an odd command, every smile seemed to be soaked with the poison of enforcement.    

“Hey, Alex!” – he heard on his right, turned his head and sighed.

“Hello, Theo,” Alex answered through gritted teeth and grasped his drink, as though demonstrating his extreme busyness and unwillingness to talk. It was a rather strained relationship, though always polite, and Alex would not want to take it anywhere beyond those brief mannerly lines exchanged at festivals and wherever else they could bump into each other. However, Theo strolled near that border and explored the surroundings at every rare opportunity, and after a particularly unanticipated and wordy monologue at an awards show afterparty Alex decided to keep his distance. Silent annoyance apparently did not tell Theo much, and he took the neighboring seat with a guileless smile.

“It’s nice to see you here. How do you find the party?”

“Marble Arch station, the fourth turn left on Oxford Street.”

Theo laughed at his patient sarcasm.

“Ha-ha, right. I think they’ve done a great job. Now I understand why this place is always in the list of best bars in London.”

“Is it? Well, news to me,” Alex mumbled and handed his glass for a refill, “Are you with somebody here?” he asked with a look so intense that it could only be a request to go away to whoever Theo was there with.

“Yeah. But all my friends coupled up and left me sitting here.”

Alex wondered why everything revolved around coupling up that day and hummed something vaguely, thinking of further polite ways to send Theo away.

“You look disconcerted,” Theo said.

“ _Of course, I fucking do, with you blabbing at my ear_ ,” Alex thought in annoyance.

“Anything wrong?”

“ _Your whereabouts, mostly_.” “Uh… I’m fine.”

“Let it out, you’ll feel better.”

Manners prevented Alex from saying or doing something rude but he felt like it was only a question of time.

“I said I’m fine.”

“Oh look, the couch’s free!” Theo suddenly exclaimed and dashed away. Before Alex let out a relieved sigh, he realized that Theo had taken their drinks, apparently expecting Alex to follow him.

“Wait, what are you… I don’t… Fuck,” Alex murmured, freezing after a single involuntary step towards the couch. It came to him that he could just get another drink, particularly when trays with booze were all around, and escape while there was a chance. It would be a bit rude – but it was also rude of Theo to nag him so hard when Alex showed little wish to interact at all.

“Alex!” Theo called, patting the place beside him invitingly, and Alex’s stumbling legs delivered him to the couch before he realized it. Under Theo’s expectant stare, Alex frowned diligently and pretended there was some other important reason for him to sit there, like examining the neon decoration on the wall or brushing imaginary dust off his knees. “So what’s up?” Theo repeated.

“Look, no offence, but why would I discuss it with you?” Alex blurted out, “I might as well just walk up to anyone in this bar and shower them in my problems.”

“It actually works like this in bars,” Theo noticed, “People meet, talk and complain all the time.”

“Thanks for the brand new information but I’m not into wine and whine sort of thing.”

“Okay, I won’t insist if you don’t want to tell, I just thought we kind of were in a similar position and I could understand so…”

“Similar position? As in? Wait, actually, you could,” Alex livened up at the sudden realization. Furthermore, the wish to let the disturbing issue out was becoming tingling. “Alright, the thing is… They’re dragging me into PR dating, and I want no part of this sordid business. This kind of fame is vicious to me. It’s not that I ever enjoyed encounters with tabloids, and I’m not eager to seek more intentionally,” Alex said, and the more he spoke, the easier it became. Alcohol and Theo’s mindful expression both played their parts. “I’m just not interested in fans for whom this husk is the main attraction. Well, I can see the point of it and it’s hard to deny the importance of media nowadays but… whatever the reason would be, isn’t it just vile to act out love?”

Theo listened to him attentively. The only time he looked away was to snatch them another couple of drinks from a waiter.

“Hm… yeah, I feel you,” he said slowly.

“Do you?” Alex wondered skeptically, “Have you ever done this?”

“No, I haven’t. But I understand how vexed you are.”

“I don’t think you do.”

“Well, we all do questionable things for PR sometimes.”

“Like? What did you do?”

“The other day they asked me to, uh… search for contact with the gay community,” Theo murmured, blushing slightly, and Alex suspected why. As far he was concerned – and half-familiar people’s preferences did not concern him at all but inside rumors travel fast in the small and tight music world – Theo was not as straight as he appeared to be, and that made the demand slightly awkward.

“Any more contact?” Alex chuckled and immediately regretted the drunk joke.

“Keep your gaydar shut, will you?” Theo asked softly after a long moment of silence.

“Uh, it’s not that… I’ve just heard stuff… Sorry…”

“It’s alright. As for my real contacts with the gay community, they have no idea. I guess, they meant, like… support for some organizations… loud statements…”

“It’s not the same. At least you don’t contradict yourself.”

“I do, in a way. It’s like being on a leash. The truth might shock them – I mean, workwise. But then, some parade is beneficial. Isn’t it a contradiction?”  

“Uh… well, yeah…”

“Exactly,” Theo nodded, “Fuck this game. I’m not some B-movie actor. I just want to make music.”

“Yeah, me too,” Alex agreed, and Theo raised his glass with a smile.

“For music, then!”

After another drink, it felt like the couch was trying to crawl from beneath them and fly away. Alex had lost count of how much liquor he had had. With the accompaniment of Theo’s voice, it just went by too freely. Moreover, it was a two-way process, and the more Alex drank, the easier it became to tolerate Theo. “Tolerate” probably was not even the word anymore since it mostly deals with something undesirable, and the alcohol in Alex’s blood was already starting to play its well-known vehement riff. Alex caught himself in the middle of a tipsy tilt towards Theo and lay back immediately to gain support.

“Back to your problem,” Theo mumbled, staggering, “Are they suggesting someone in particular or…?”

“Nah. Just someone famous and handsome to make a good bait for the journalists.”

“What’s the problem then? Are you actually dating someone at the moment?”

“No. If I was in a relationship, the issue wouldn’t even get to the discussion stage.”

“Then I'm sure you'll find someone like that anyway, and you won't even have to pretend.”

“Could happen,” Alex said drowsily, “But just the idea makes me sick. It’s… like teenage rebellion, you know? Like, when they tell you to do something you were already going to do, the chances of you actually doing it drop to zero. Why would they even suggest such a thing? It’s not that this is the only way to gain coverage. Actually, I’m so pissed at them, not only don’t I want to obey, but I also kind of want to do something to piss them just as much.”

“Yeah, me too. But… in a witty way.”

Through the turbid veil of drunkenness, Alex saw Theo handing him another drink. It seemed like he took them right from thin air. This time they drank in silence, pondering over what they had just told each other. The unexpected problem united the duo and alcohol dissolved the former strenuousness. Half-lying on the couch amidst a reveling crowd, they stared at each other blankly. This was probably the first time Alex actually looked at Theo’s face – not brushed it with his eyes with irritation, eager to get them anywhere else, but gazed at it and discovered details he had not noticed before. Moreover, it just did not look like the sharp, conceited and even caricatural face he had created in his mind more from scenic glimpses than from actual encounters. The real Theo’s eyebrows were not so evilly tick-like, lips never clenched in a contemptuous manner, eyes glowed with nothing but sympathy and regard – simply put, every feature turned out to be softer than Alex had somehow always imagined them.

“Sorry for your situation,” Theo murmured after several minutes of mutual staring.

“I’m sorry for yours too,” Alex said, his head sliding down the backrest onto Theo’s shoulder, “Excuse me, just for a second…” he added in a low voice and closed his eyes. The whirling world faded, and everything became blissfully mute and dark. The void suddenly trembled and enclosed him, and then Alex realized it was just Theo’s arm finding its way between the couch and Alex’s back to land on his side. “ _I have to throw it off_ ,” Alex thought drowsily and, with these thoughts, clung closer and fell asleep. At least it seemed to him that he had and that a few hours had passed by. Theo stared at the powerless body in his arms and tried to correlate this with the acid replies that had rung out no more than an hour ago. The scene was surely unsought and unforeseen: Theo was aiming just for a fleeting conversation to enliven his friends’ absence – not for Alex dozing on his shoulder with his limp hand lying on Theo’s lap. People were not ready for the view too and gave them a few nonplussed glances.

“Alex, wake up, I’ve got an idea!” Theo suddenly cried out with such a big jerk of enthusiasm that Alex almost fell on his lap, “I know how we can solve both!”

“Hm?” Alex asked, making himself comfortable and closing his eyes again.

“We can just “date” each other and formally follow both commands but in fact…”

“Wait,” Alex sat up, swinging drunkenly, “Have you just asked me out or am I too drunk?”

“Listen to me,” Theo exclaimed ardently, gripping Alex’s shoulders, “The PR guys didn’t specify what they wanted, right? And, in fact, from me they want what I said earlier and from you – probably a stunning model or actress. Absolutely not a homosexual relationship, particularly between a couple so improbable! Can you imagine how pissed off they would be if we “date” each other? This is the last thing they expect! No, even more – everybody would go bats, and this will be a much more amusing and peculiar show than the ones they wanted! At the same time, we’d be fulfilling the requirements technically so altogether it’s a sheer “fuck off”!”

Alex just stared into Theo’s eyes vacantly and dangled in his rapturous grasp. For his blunted mind, it was hard to catch the point of this impetuous speech. The only thing he understood was that Theo felt overly ecstatic about some genius idea he had, but the details just passed by.

“What a story we can create!” Theo went on rejoicing, “It’s going to be so much fun! What do you think?”

“At this point, I can barely think at all…” Alex murmured, not even fully realizing what kind of answer Theo was waiting for.

“Come on, let’s do it!”

“Okay but… Could you explain what you want us to do once again? This time be slow, please… and some extra delicacy wouldn’t hurt too…” Alex mumbled, nodding at Theo’s clutch on his shoulders.

“Getting used to the role already, huh?” Theo laughed, “Alright, listen closely…”

And he proceeded to repeat the suggestion, this time with more details and even more enthusiasm. When Theo moved on to something that sounded like a 10-year plan for their fake relationship, a faint beam of sense finally pierced Alex’s mind. It was enough to illuminate the prominent places, such as those at which Alex had just been complaining, but too scarce to show the whole picture. Naturally, in this state, the idea seemed enthralling and caused no questions, and Alex nodded energetically, to Theo’s biggest delight. After an hour of bouncing on the couch merrily hand in hand, like excited children, the newly-formed couple exchanged numbers and drifted apart.

A phone call woke Alex up the next morning. He tried to sit up but the heavy head dragged him back on the pillow, and Alex groaned, rubbing his forehead. Finally, he reached the phone and stared at the screen in surprise. Since when did “Thkeo Hutccftarh” have his phone number and how did his end up in Alex’s phonebook typed like this?

“Uh, hello?”

“Good morning. Sorry, did I wake you up?” Theo asked worriedly.

“Frankly, yeah. To what do I owe attention so early?” Alex mumbled, crawling back under the blanket.

“I wanted to talk about our relationship.”

“Eh? I might’ve been drunk yesterday but not that drunk,” Alex gaped and froze in the middle of a yawn, “Or… oh fuck, was I?”

“I really don’t know how to answer this,” Theo chuckled, “Depends on what you imply. Anyway, if you remember so little, you probably were too drunk.”

“And what do you imply?” Alex wondered in horror, yesterday’s negotiations being too vague in his mind.

“That little agreement of ours, of course.”

The only event Alex remembered clearly was the brawl with the management, and he tried to recover the sequence, relying on it. Bar… drinks… Theo… couch… Stop. At this point, there started a story that seemed like no more than a drunken anecdote. However, Theo seemed to have taken it seriously.

“So can you remember that? Or do I have to retell?” Theo asked, tired of silence.

“Please, do,” Alex requested, just to be sure.

Once again, Theo retold the idea, now with more sober shifts between parts but with the same tipsy delight. The more Alex listened to him, the more bewildered he got. For a second, he even thought that Theo had not sobered up yet and this was the only reason of his indefatigable enthusiasm. After all, such suggestions should stay where they are born – at the revelries. Surprisingly, Alex still liked the idea in a way. It was abrupt, provoking and laughable at the same time – just the needed spit in the eye. The problem was that he had left the audacity to go for it in the bar. Moreover, now, with more or less clear vision, he could see all the downsides of this suggestion.

“Well?” Theo said impatiently, pulling Alex out of his puzzlement, apparently after a while of waiting for a reaction, “What do you say?”

“Uh… Are you sure this is anything but a tipsy fantasy?” Alex asked carefully, “I mean, we barely know each other and do we really need those theatricals? Discussing it after a drink is one thing but in reality…”

“Oh, come on. Don’t you want to have a laugh at the storm that’s going to rise?”   

“It’s not just about laughing. Our reputation is involved. Not only ours but the bands’ as well.”

“Yesterday you said you weren’t particularly bothered by fans who are too concerned about some husk,” Theo reminded caustically.

“And I still stick to it. But…” Alex murmured and stared at the ceiling in hopes that another excuse will light up in neon.

“Let’s meet today, and I’ll stroke all your buts.”

“Excuse me? Stroke my butt?”

“Stroke as in cross out and but as in objection,” Theo clarified and, hearing the giggles, added, “But we’ll see how it goes.”

“Easy there, I haven’t even agreed with your shenanigan yet,” Alex smiled.

“Yet!” Theo echoed slyly.

In a few hours, they were sitting in a café on a quiet street with not a shade left from the morning coquetry. Alex was deep in doubt again. Whenever an enthusiastically buzzing Theo at his ear was absent, it was hard not to question the sanity of this idea. Now Alex was watching Theo shoving a huge croissant into his mouth and could not help doubting his own common sense at the point he had first considered Theo as a so-called partner in crime at all. The purpose of the meeting had not been brought up yet, and Alex sipped his coffee in silence. When Theo reached for another croissant, Alex reminded with slight annoyance:

“So what are we here for, once again?”

“Give me a moment.”

“Or a basket of pastry?”

“Try them, they’re delicious,” Theo recommended and shoved a croissant into Alex’s face, “Let sugar make you less sulky.”

“I came here just to talk,” Alex declared, moving it away decisively, “Not to be harassed with croissants.”

Frowning, Theo swallowed and handed Alex a small black notebook from his jacket pocket.

“Here, have a look.”

“What is this?”

“I’ve written down some ideas,” Theo beamed so proudly as though he had just written a bestseller.

“Ideas?..”

“For our fake affair, yeah. Call it a script draft, if you must.”

“Well, this is more like a collection of gags,” Alex noticed, flicking through the pages that contained brief descriptions of the situations they were supposed to act out, places they could visit and seemingly unrelated doodles. Alex glanced through the odd wishlist. Some points were funny, some romantic, and, finally, there were a few weird ones that just needed explanation. “Park walks… Exchanged or matching clothes… Skateboarding together… Ha, this is going to be a fucking mess… Piggy back rides… Okay, but only if you carry me… Visiting a haunted location?” Alex asked, his eyebrows up.

“Ah, the last ones are there just in case we overdo the plan and run out of ideas. I’ve added a few personal wishes I was going to fulfill anyway. Thought it would be better if we go together,” Theo explained, “By the way, do you drive? The best spots are often in the middle of a field and rather hard to reach so…”

“Do you want me as your fake boyfriend or your very real personal driver?” Alex smirked, “And what are those titles on the next page?”

“Some of my favourite films with romantic subplots, just for inspiration,” Theo smiled, “I can link you the exact scenes on YouTube in the evening. By the way, if you stop laughing and turn this page over, you’ll find books too. I can lend them.”

But Alex was already roaring with laughter so hard that he could not catch the page between his shaking fingers.

“I’m having intense school flashbacks,” Alex mumbled through laughter, “But I don’t think there was a project I prepared so thoroughly.”

“Why not?” Theo grinned, taking the notebook away, “This is a chance to write a perfect love story and be in full control. To make a film and act in it, in a way, but without all the bothers that follow such a big work – just for a laugh...”

“Love story, you say…” Alex muttered and shook his head.

“What? Aren’t you an expert at writing love stories?”

“Honestly, I’ve never dealt with anything like this one. Besides, it’s not that mine are the happy end type.”

“Neither are mine. All the more so, together we can try to write an utterly happy one.”

With these words, Theo raised his cup and made a sip. Alex thought that it looked like a toast, even though you rarely see toasts being proposed with coffee. The passing parallel made the situation seem even more ridiculous. Alex could not believe that he was sitting in a café with his yesterday’s foe and almost agreeing to act out a sentimental play with him. However, this very ridiculousness fascinated him at the same time. He knew that if he could not fully embrace the plan himself, nobody would. And it was the initial point.

“Why would you even need it all?” Alex nagged, “Why invest so much time and effort into planning, if it’s just for a laugh?”

“I’m kind of bored,” Theo acknowledged, “No concerts, no recording. I’m always looking for a way to entertain myself.”

“Oh my god, are you serious?” Alex marveled, baffled, “My writing experiments have never led me to journalism but I think I can write an article especially for you. 50 ways to entertain yourself when you’re not on tour. Like, easier ways. More common.”

“Ha, I’ll give you 100. I’ve tried a lot. Newer and odder stuff is more exciting.”

Alex considered this argument dubious but kept his mouth shut. The random drunk idea was just stuck in Theo’s mind, and the merry sparks in his eyes seemed to be impossible to put out.

“So? Any more objections for me to fight?” Theo smiled, and Alex prepared to word the last excuse in a delicate way, even though deep inside he knew he had already accepted the suggestion quite a while ago.

“Yes. If you’re not out yet, are you sure you want to do it like this? With somebody you barely know?”

“Well, one day I’d have to, anyway. And I like the setting. It even kind of makes it easier, this game element… You know, it’s like the most serious things are sometimes said as a joke,” Theo pondered aloud and stared at the wall absently. Alex gave him time to process whatever was going through his mind and did not interrupt. Finally, Theo spoke again. “This matter doesn’t require being close pals or actual lovers, it’s a part of the deal. It won’t be any fun if it’s expected or even imaginable. And why do we have to know each other well? It’s not marriage or something, just a couple of funny scenes.”

“Hella funny, I bet…” Alex mumbled, trying the explanations on and seeing if they would fit. The first part sounded convincing and suitable, leastwise. He could relate to that, even though Theo did not have to know about it. A heavy rock had been thrown on the scales, ruining the hesitant balance.

“All I have to know is that our motives match and that you have a good sense of humor. It’s like we’re hiring each other for a little assignment, the list of requirements is really short and everything’s totally impersonal,” Theo babbled on and on.

“You’d better stop inventing comparisons. The job one is even fouler than it really is,” Alex noticed.

“Oh, stop grumbling, Alex! At this point, you’re balking just on principle, and it sounds weak. Let’s get down to business and think of our fervent relationship’s plan. The beginning, in particular. It’s really important, just as the first line of a poem.”

“Well, for a start, you should’ve arranged the meeting in some swarming place so we could be seen together,” Alex shrugged, reaching for the coffee that was already barely warm, “Camden, Oxford Street, tourist spots, something like that… Not a deserted café on a quiet street.”

“It’s one of the few places where they serve normal sized croissants!” Theo flamed up, making Alex chuckle, “Don’t you laugh, I’m so sick of those lilliputian ones! Anyway, if you were planning a first date, would you choose the crowd of Camden or a cozy café?”

“First date?” Alex smirked, “You mean, this is our first date?”

“Well, seems like it,” Theo nodded with a timid smile.

“Fuck. Give me time to process what I’ve just signed up for.”

“Oh, did you?” Theo perked up, “Won’t I hear another objection?”

“Nah, I’ll switch to mere criticism for now. We’ve got to document this somehow or what’s the point? Nobody here pays attention to us. Those adolescents in the corner are too busy with each other and that old man seems to have a newspaper glued to his face.”

Theo followed his look and sighed resonantly, as though admitting the mistake. Then his eyes came back to Alex, who was trying to finish his already cool coffee, and lingered there. When a glance became an intent gaze, Alex felt uncomfortable and regretted that he could not hide his face behind the cup completely. Looks so inquiring were not a part of the contract. It was as though Theo was trying to find out something about Alex, find out something deep and genuine, and Alex was not ready for that. He would prefer Theo to deal solely with some demo version of himself, the version meant for stage and half-familiar people.

“I can take a picture of you and post it,” Theo finally suggested, “People love that cozy stuff. This will be enough for the time being, considering we’ve just started, eh, dating. I don’t think there has to be anything excessive.”

Alex felt both relief that he was not supposed to do “anything excessive” and also, strangely enough, disappointment. A tiny part of his mind yearned for that very excess, whatever it meant. Had not it been the original point? Some kind of rebellion against the managers’ commands, the audience’s expectations… his own shyness and reticence, after all. Alex knew it would make little sense to jump into the whirlwind from the very start but his interest in reading the next chapter kept flaring up.

“Can you make a less burdened face?” Theo distracted him with a vexed request, moving his phone here and there but always staying discontent with the result, “You look like I’ve dragged you here by your leg.”

“Well, in a way,” Alex shrugged, smiling kindly.

“That’s not the impression we want to make! Can you at least imagine you’re sitting not in front of me but in front of a person you love?”

And Alex did, but instead of imagining an abstract lover, unexpectedly for himself, he tried to visualize the mentioned concepts merging. God almighty, how strange it was, starting with the fact he was thinking about this at all and ending with the images themselves. Moreover, those were images so foolish and sentimental that Theo’s notebook would seem a classic romance, applying to all sublime canons.

Apparently, the needed amorous expression flashed on Alex’s face eventually, and Theo caught it, judging by his victorious smile. He lowered his phone and started processing. To his own horror, Alex found himself still lingering on those fantasies, even though it was unnecessary by now (and was it even necessary at all?). Alex gripped his empty cup that he kept using as some kind of protective distraction and squinted at Theo while he could not notice. It was unsettling to realize this had been the whole plan for today, when deep inside Alex was waiting for something impudent. He would not suggest anything extravagant himself, he would not even admit he wanted to. But he expected Theo to be much bolder.

“Can I… uh… make a contribution?” Alex asked, willing to facilitate the weird plan.

“You just did, relax,” Theo mumbled, his eyes down at the phone, “Wait, don’t relax. Help me think of a nice and meaningful caption.”

“Show me. Oh… This is a nice picture. I like it. Let me think…”

“It’s better if it’s a one-word caption,” Theo requested, and Alex let out a whistle.

“One-word? You’re not being too generous with your supposed boyfriend.”

“If you keep picking on me, I’ll caption you with an emoji.”

“Which one?”

“The rooster one.”

“Rude,” Alex chuckled and looked up, trying to think of something.

“Ah, never mind, I’ll caption it “coffee lover”,” Theo livened up suddenly, “Ambiguous yet not too shouting.”

“Alright,” Alex just said.

In a few minutes, they walked out of the café, and Alex lighted a cigarette. To his surprise, Theo did not say goodbye and leave at once. Instead, he stood near and stared at Alex’s cigarette. Alex felt confused: he thought that the business was over for today and there was no reason to stick together anymore, particularly with those random piercing looks.

“Do you mind?” Alex asked at a loss, and Theo shook his head vigorously.

“No.”

“Do you want one?”

“No, thanks. I don’t smoke.”

“Well, then…” Alex mumbled, trying to imply it was time to part. It seemed like Theo grasped it at last.

“Oh, yeah, sorry,” he said, averting eyes from Alex’s cigarette (or lips, Alex thought incidentally), “I’ll go now. Actually, one more reason why I invited you here is that there’s a CD store nearby, and I wanted to drop in.”

“Ah, I might’ve been there once or twice. Great store,” Alex reminisced.

“Want to go together?”

Alex flicked the ash off and tilted his head. The pros were that he had nothing to do anyway, he wanted to search for a few CDs and that a little promenade would play along their plan nicely. The cons… Were there any cons at this point?”

“Let’s go,” Alex nodded.

Right from the store porch, Alex felt like he had signed up for an excursion. Theo’s guidance was highly verbal and educational, and it seemed like there was not a single CD in the store about which Theo could not tell at least a few things. Alex just glanced at him in awe and trailed alongside, some competitive feeling making him insert random facts now and then too. Surprisingly, Theo was a listener just as good as a talker.

“Oh, Nick Cave!” Theo rejoiced, taking a disc from the stand and smiling at it, “I haven’t got this album, I’ll take it.”

“Which one?” Alex asked interestedly from behind, “Ah, “Push the Sky Away”… Me neither. I think I’ll take…” Alex stuttered, and his eyes ran from the disc in Theo’s hands to its supposed former place on the stand, “Oh fuck, is it the last one?”

“At least where I took it,” Theo shrugged and smiled, “Ask somebody.”

Alex walked up to a shop assistant, a wide-eyed blonde girl, who recognized both, judging by her rapid glances from one to another.

“Excuse me, I was looking for “Push the Sky Away” by Nick Cave. Is the one in that giggling blockhead’s hands the last?” Alex asked, nodding at Theo laughing beside him.

“I’m sorry, this is the last one for now,” the girl said sympathetically, “Uh… Can we take a picture, please? I’m a big fan, it’s so great to see both of you here!”

“Oh, sure!” Theo exclaimed and rushed forward to put a possessive arm around Alex’s shoulder while the girl was trying to take a selfie. Alex just sighed and gifted Theo a frowning stare, which the camera somehow made look more like a craving than the reproach it actually was. When the girl walked away, Theo turned to Alex with a triumphant smirk and waved the disc like a trophy.

“Better luck next time,” Theo said with an enraging eyebrow wiggle and headed to pay for the disc but stopped after a single step, “What, not even going to fight for it?”

“Do I look like I’m five? I’ll just buy it in another store.”

“That’s a shame. A tiny playful fight would fit in our master plan.”

“Well, then…” Alex made a big step and reached for the disc, but Theo reacted instantly and raised it high above his head.

“Not that easy,” Theo whispered into the helpless grimace that was dashingly gaining blush.

“What do you want me to do?” Alex mumbled, “I won’t jump around you like a puppy.”

No answer – just a teasing squint of the dark eyes. The badgered shorter singer tiptoed but his fingers barely reached the bait. The only thing he got was Theo’s face disturbingly close to his. Alex’s hand bumped into Theo’s wrist up in the air and enfolded it to pull the disc down but Theo stayed steady, his grin only getting wider. Theo stretched to become even taller but lowered his head to gaze right into Alex’s eyes with scrutinizing intensity. Alex felt his mind go into a swirl just as bad as it had in the bar, crammed with whiskey, and wondered whether Theo even realized how many kiss signals he was sending.   

“You’re such a dummy,” Alex grumbled, his face a tender shade of pink. He lowered his arm and walked out of the store.

The frolicsome expression in Theo’s eyes instantly transformed into anxiety. Something told Theo it was not the final note; however, he rushed to pay for the disc and tumbled outside as fast as he could. To his big relief, Alex was still standing at the door with another cigarette between his fingers, and those few seconds, apparently, were enough for him to pull himself together and recover his sense of humor.

“Not only a dummy, but also a huge date ruiner,” Alex added, “Nicking the last disc in front of your lover on the first date. How mean of you!”

“Oh, sorry, dear, I’ve fucked up,” Theo played along, “Want me to give it to you?”

“Nah. You can’t buy my mercy with a disc, even that one.”

“What a shame. I guess, I won’t get lucky tonight.”

“Fat chance,” Alex smirked, puffing a thick cloud of smoke into the air.

“Well, I’ll keep trying.”

“Can’t refuse you another try. When’s the next act of the play?”

Snippets of cigarette smoke reached Theo’s nose, and he breathed the white ribbons in slowly.

“Let’s think… I guess, if I’m actually interested in a person, I’d like to see them as often as possible. Maybe every day. Or are you busy?”

Alex suppressed a sudden cough and turned away slightly, so that the smoke would not come near Theo.

“Sorry for that. Uh… Not particularly busy… But maybe it’s better if we make some breaks?” Alex mumbled hoarsely, “Like… if we’re doing a show, there has to be some suspense between the episodes. Otherwise it’s just redundant and tiresome.”

“Hm… fair enough,” Theo said, visibly upset, “But what about binge-watching? There’s a reason it exists.”

“You have to get into the show first,” Alex explained. In fact, the show analogy did not matter that much – he was just reluctant to let Theo into his life so quickly. Just like the cigarette in his hand, the game aroused a similar set of feelings: the rebellious agitation of breaking a precept, a dash of warmness inside, inexplicable relief and a wish to repeat it. Therefore, it could cause addiction. Fascination and annoyance were fighting in Alex’s mind, just as a craving for more and a reasonable urge to slow down or even recede.

“Okay, let’s give it time,” Theo agreed with a sigh, “What will be the period between the episodes?”

“Let’s meet on Saturday, maybe? A lot of people will be out in the streets since it’s a day off. This makes a good audience for our prominent acting skills,” Alex suggested and added in his mind that he would also have enough days to have a rest from Theo’s babble and think everything through.

“Alright, Saturday it is, then. Bye!”

“So scanty,” Alex grinned, laughing the smoke into the air, and Theo stopped midstep.

“What?”

“Such a puny goodbye for a first date.”

“Ah, here’s how you’re talking now!” Theo chuckled and walked back with arms open and determined, “I’ll goodbye you through and through!”

“Oh fuck, Theo, don’t!” Alex squealed, already caught in Theo’s embrace and averting his head just in case, albeit rather half-heartedly. Theo only pecked his cheek and set him free, laughing with the contentment of a kid who had just luckily got his crush in spin the bottle.

“Satisfied now, you little farewell connoisseur?”

“That’s not a very complimentary nickname,” Alex remarked, yet cheer showed in his smile.

“Get off your cloud, I’m not even trying to compliment you.”

“Aren’t you? Ah, what a calamitous date, honestly. I doubt we’ll go far like this.”

“I’ll show you, Alex,” Theo declared meaningly and shook his finger, “And you’ve got to cut down on that if you want to go far,” he added, taking the cigarette away from Alex’s fingers. This time, Alex did not even reach for the nicked object. Instead, he sneered and blew the last puff of smoke into Theo’s face. The narrow whiff bumped into his lips, as though leaving a little intangible kiss, and dissolved.

“Bye, loverman,” Alex smiled, and Theo let out a corresponding grin.

“Bye, sweetheart.”


	2. He Changes the Weather

It was a rather flippant Saturday. The sun was shining bright when the pretended couple called each other to arrange the meeting, but the weather failed to stick to its decision. By the time they reached the park, the sky got grey and menacing, and only a few visitors seemed to be willing to stay and appreciate the prestorm atmosphere. However, Theo and Alex were performers experienced enough to know that even if a single person comes to a show, you perform anyway.

“Hi,” Theo smiled, appearing at the gates as though right from the murky sky. It would have been a dramatic entrance, particularly when Theo was wearing a cape-like coat, but such wide grins usually belong not to goth icons but to cartoon characters. Alex smiled at him in reply.

“Hi. Well, how’s that pic of me doing?”

“Oh, great!” Theo exclaimed joyously as they stepped onto the main park path, “Tons of likes and excited comments. It was a good idea, we have to keep it going. I’ll post pictures of you once in a while. Maybe of us together.”

“Thought of a few syrup-dripping selfies?” Alex chaffed, imagining the shots.

“Yeah, sure,” Theo said sarcastically, “With hashtags “love”, “boyfriend”, “cute”, “just so we’re clear, yes, we’re in a relationship”, “please pay attention and be envious of my boyfriend”, “have I already mentioned I’ve got a boyfriend?” and so on…”

“Do they really caption pics like that these days?” Alex marveled, sincerely astonished. The joke had flown past him. Theo squinted at Alex suspiciously but then chuckled at his genuine confusion.

“Kind of. I was just joking, though. I don’t want a flood of selfies…”

“Well, that’s a relief.”  

“…let others take pictures of us instead,” Theo ended his sentence decisively.

“Are we going to hire a photographer?” Alex sniggered, “Like, a professional couple photoshoot on the supposed second date?”

“Why hire?” Theo wondered, “They’re always swarming around, we just need a proper place or event to do our show. We don’t even need a professional photographer – any passerby with a phone will do. Like it was in the CD store, for example.”

Once again, Alex frowned confusedly and asked:

“Okay, some passerby takes a picture of us, what next? Who would look at some passerby’s shots, except for their friends?”

The comment was so sudden and weird to Theo that he even stopped in the middle of the road to stare at his baffled companion.

“Oh my god, you have no idea about social media, do you? We’ll have to work on this.”

“Uh… Can you just be the technology guy in this alliance? And I’ll take some other job,” Alex said softly. It was like a teacher in primary school had told the class to work in pairs, uniting Alex with a particularly buoyant classmate, and they had to search for a way to collaborate.

“Okay, you’ll be the event guy then,” Theo made an instant suggestion, “We have to go somewhere public and crowded together. Like, a fashion show or a big party. Do you have any ideas?”

Alex’s mind froze. This job was not his cup of tea either. It was one of those lazy hiatus periods when he felt estranged from the real world and went somewhere “public and crowded” only when his friends asked him to.

“Uh… Nothing comes to my mind as yet.”

“It’s alright, we’ve got the whole day ahead,” Theo reassured.

They were passing by a row of food trucks, surrounded by people for whom hunger was a more essential problem than the upcoming rain, and Theo’s concern seemed to have switched to burger types and doughnut fillings. Relieved, Alex cast the question away and looked around too. Just when his mildly peckish stare landed on a paper cup of particularly juicy churros, he felt Theo’s hand taking hold of his and trying to reach a comfortable grasp of the tense fingers.

“What’re you doing?” Alex asked, turning away from the sweet unwillingly.

“Look at all the people here! Time to play boyfriends,” Theo reminded and added quietly, in a pleading voice, “And can you turn the volume down, please? It’s not the impression we’re after.”

“Buy me a tidbit, boyfriend, and we’re fine,” Alex asked in a whimsical tone. It was more of a joke than an actual request – Alex would prefer not to take any gifts from Theo, even if it was just a sweet – but Theo reached for the coins in his pocket without the slightest hesitation. However, then he turned to Alex with an extremely serious face and knocked his finger on his own cheek.

“Give me a kiss first.”

“Fuck off,” Alex mumbled, blushing, but Theo repeated the gesture with his eyebrows up in a demanding manner.     

“Come on, people are watching. Just a little kiss. Chickening out in the very beginning?”

The jeer worked, and Alex pecked Theo’s cheek so swiftly as though he was afraid to stick to it.

“Good boy,” Theo sneered and got in line to buy the once desired tidbit that Alex now wanted to throw into Theo’s grinning face. He felt ridiculed. Of course, he knew Theo was right and they had to pull stupid stunts like this. But he hated the mocking way Theo presented it.

The food trucks were left far behind. Alex and Theo were strolling on, stung by occasional cold drops of spring rain. The desolateness of the lawn made Theo keep his hands and other ideas to himself. At first Alex scowled at the sweet gift as though it represented everything that was wrong with their relationship. However, he cast stubbornness away rather quickly and soon was shoveling sugar-sprinkled churros into his mouth. Theo could not help giggling at Alex’s childlike appetite.

“Speaking of an event,” Theo brought back the topic, “I’ve just remembered, there’s going to be a festival soon. I’ve been thinking whether it’s worth going but now we’ve got a reason so…”

“Yeah, fine,” Alex agreed, “A festival’s a nice place for a date.”

“I have to check the lineup and listen to the bands I don’t know yet…” Theo pondered aloud, “Just so we know who to see and get the best out of it. You should do some preliminary work too, Alex.”

“Hm… Maybe I’ll check them out if I have a minute.”

“No, not the bands. You should work on your attitude,” Theo declared with a smile, and Alex choked on his churro.

“What?”

“You have to stop pushing me away every time I try to facilitate our plan.”

“Uh… I’m…” Alex stuttered, “Sorry, I know you’re doing it right, it’s just… I don’t know you well enough and I’m not used to it yet…”

“I see,” Theo said in a calming voice, “It’s fine. I’ll let you get used to it.”

Alex nodded gratefully. There was a sore split inside his mind: one part longed for an outburst and another just yelled at the first one to shut up. Anyway, it was nice to know that Theo was willing to give him time to come to terms with this strange game. This showed he was a thoughtful and decent man, who would…

Wait, he did not mean giving time. Not at all. Theo pulled Alex close and kissed him so abruptly that the thunderstruck singer failed to show timely resistance.

The worst part for Alex was that he could actually resist. Only the pull was rough – but now Theo was holding him gently enough to allow an escape at every second. Even his mellow lips seemed to be asking nonverbally whether everything was alright. Alex’s inner split grew distressing. His right hand lay on Theo’s chest as though to push him away but his legs made a tiny step forward to shorten the distance. He bent his neck here and there to get away from the kiss but Theo followed him and Alex could not prevent his lips from answering. And finally, Alex had no idea whether his soul was answering the kiss too or not.

“W-w-w-what are you doing?” Alex finally murmured as he broke the kiss and retreated back into the lawn, almost stumbling over plain grass, “There’s not a soul around within a mile to appreciate this scene!”

“Why, training, of course!”

“It’s not like you need training,” Alex admitted reluctantly to gain a flattered smirk.

“Not me.”

“Do I?!”

“You’re fine but I’d prefer a bit less defiance and more tenderness. This is just a brief review but if you want details I’d also…”

“Also fuck off,” Alex grumbled, yet breaking into a smile.

“Here, this is what I’m talking about! Rude, Alex. So rude.”

Merry laughter pierced the haze above the lawn along with the thunder somewhere in the distance. The rain was getting stronger, and drops were sliding down the laughing faces like happy tears. Alex’s cordial delight did not look like an order to stop so Theo made a step forward on the wet grass.

“Hey, now stop nickering, it’s in our best interests to perform well,” Theo said, giggling, as he aimed for Alex’s lips again, but every time he came closer, Alex laughed even harder and dodged playfully, “Come on, are we playing kiss tag?”

Theo put his arms on Alex’s waist to keep him steady. Now he stumbled upon Alex’s nose as he lowered his head with another kittenish snicker.

“Have you heard there are other types of kisses besides laughing ones?” Theo asked and cupped Alex’s face with tender determination.

“I have,” Alex informed and shoved a few churros between the impatient lips.

“Woo wah eeh-ous!” Theo roared through the mouthful of sweets.

“What? I don’t understand you. Don’t talk with your mouth full. Manners.”  

“You are ridiculous!” Theo yelled as soon as he could speak properly, and Alex smirked.

“No more ridiculous than you with three pastry sticks in your mouth, actually.”

This time Alex let the sugar covered lips touch his and even got bold enough to embrace the persistent trainer. Before, he had not taken part in any kisses that were meant not for the kissers themselves but for some abstract audience that was not even currently present at the scene, so he had no idea what those kisses were supposed to be like. This one felt a bit too gentle and intimate for a staged fake. Nonetheless, Alex was not going to cut down on ardor. This time, Theo would not say he needed practice.  

“Any better?” Alex whispered as their lips parted. The long dark eyelashes in front of him lingered to rise, as though prolonging the moment.

“There’s always room for improvement. Do you mind another exercise?” Theo asked timidly, his thumb sweeping raindrops away from Alex’s cheekbone.

Instead of an answer, Alex dashed into a kiss first. The icy sensations of drops falling on them were nothing, compared with warmth they were exchanging. The gamesome feeling had gone – on the opposite, it felt like something real and longed-for. Some things are hard to portray, and Alex knew he was an actor too mediocre to rely only on his acting skills. Actually, he did not have to overwork himself to play them.

“Uh… I guess, now we’re ready for the festival… more or less…” Theo mumbled, breathing heavily and taking a step back. Alex did not follow him but he could not make himself avert his look from Theo’s lips, swollen after the continuous make-out session. However, after the signal to stop he could only kiss them with his eyes.

“I’ve never had such rehearsals before a festival but it’s okay, I like it,” Alex acknowledged jocosely. His gaze kept crawling across Theo’s face, his rain splattered blushing cheeks and intolerably dark eyes. Lost in thought, he only gaped when Theo pulled his phone out with a smile, took a picture of him and put the phone back into his pocket. “Uh… Am I taking over your Instagram again?”

“Two posts within a week? Dream on,” Theo sneered.

“What was this for, then?”

“You’re such a sight at the moment. Rain-soaked, swollen lips, disheveled hair, mouth agape, a cup of churros in your hand. I’ll just leave this picture there to have a laugh now and then.”

“You twat!” Alex exclaimed, laughing and walking away from the spot of their memorable halt.

“Or for blackmail, if you behave bad and call me names,” Theo added, hopping after him merrily.

“Poor plan. It isn’t even blackmail-worthy.”

“Still rather embarrassing.”

“Embarrassing? For fuck’s sake, I’m supposedly in a relationship with you. There are hardly any pictures that stand a comparison with that.”

“What did you say, Turner?” Theo roared, trying to grasp Alex’s collar, but he jumped away and broke into a run, laughing sonorously, “Just you fucking wait, I’ll show you embarrassment!”

With this yell, Theo rushed after him, rain hitting his face. The path was already all in puddles, and splashes of dirty water flew from their shoes. Alex’s never-ending giggles infuriated Theo more and more. He barely looked where he was running, fixed on revenge and the wet curls dangling in front of him. Theo was a faster runner, and the chase did not take long. He was already reaching for Alex’s collar, when suddenly his foot got into a puddle much deeper than it seemed, and Theo collapsed into mud. Hearing the splattering sound, Alex stopped and turned around.

“Good job on showing me embarrassment. Bravo!” he laughed, applauding the enraged singer on the ground, “Can’t wait for more amusing lessons.”

“Ouch, I might’ve twisted my ankle!” Theo grumbled in pain, “I can’t stand up!”

Alex’s eyes instantly got big and terrified. He squatted near Theo, hastily thinking how he would carry him home. Suddenly, Theo splashed an enormous wave of mud towards Alex, staining him all around, and jumped up.

“Ha-ha! Bought it!” he laughed, pointing at Alex who was now only a bit less dirty than he was. Gawking in bewilderment, Alex could not say a word. He just stared at Theo, once again trying to process that this cackling, dirty from top to toe human being was now his seeming boyfriend and that just a few minutes ago they had been making out in the rain like a real and extremely smitten couple. Now the rain was almost gone, and the sun was peeking from a cloud shyly, leaving a bright gleam upon Theo’s face.

“You want some mud wrestling, naughty boy?” Alex wondered as soon as he recovered his talking abilities, “Get ready to gurgle your apology from the bottom of that puddle,” Alex warned playfully and made a menacing step forward, but Theo waved his arms frantically, his laugh fading.

“Please, no… Enough mud for today.”

“Right. This date is a disaster already. Will we ever have a decent one, Theo?”

The answer seemed too obvious to say it. The clumsy couple just stood in the dirt, laughing and sweeping turbid water from their faces, and the sun in the background got daring enough to come out from the cloud and shine a peaceful light on them.

When they came together again at the festival in a week or so, the sun was not in the least timid. Dazzling light was filling the festival site and brightening the already redundant colors of stages, decorations, visitors’ clothes and belongings. Not everybody was that colorful, though. When the so-called couple approached each other, they froze for a second and chuckled: both were wearing black trousers, white T-shirts and black leather jackets. It had not been agreed upon but for them such a coincidence was only advantageous.

“Well, hi, copycat,” Alex said amiably.

“Uh, who’s monkeying who?” Theo retorted with a smug grin.

Remembering the duty, Alex pecked his mouth as a flirty greeting. To Alex, it already felt nearly habitual – maybe because between the few kisses they had shared in the park and this one, there was also a row of more or less involuntary visions Alex had had during the break. The kiss gained a few perplexed looks at once but little reaction from Theo. He started babbling the very second Alex’s lips moved away:

“Listen, this festival is amazing and the weather’s perfect, I’m so glad we’re here! The lineup’s actually quite nice, I got into some bands. I came here earlier and saw one already. Also bumped into my friends, they asked me whether I was here with someone. I told them it was a surprise, ha-ha! Another fantastic band is yet to play, why did I even doubt going? And yeah, there’s also…”

He seemed to be all about the festival atmosphere and barely remembering why they had come there in the first place. Beaming, visibly agitated and holding a beer, suddenly Theo enraged Alex to the core. It felt like some weird, possessive jealousy, jealousy not over a person but over the whole situation, jealousy aroused by somebody whose personal life did not really concern Alex at all. A self-centered wish to stay the only reason why Theo came here burnt Alex like a heated sword. Deep inside, Alex avowed to himself that he wanted Theo to hold him instead of that beer, smile at him instead of those vividly dressed strangers and, overall, to be the reason of his verbose excitement. The confession made him distressed at once. It would have been better not to say those words at all, even internally. He had no right to hope for these things beyond the game, and breaking this rule was a bad sign, however far from actual infatuation he was.

“…and their singer was brilliant,” – Alex came back to the ground and heard Theo saying this, apparently after a lengthy monologue of delight, “Can’t wait for their new stuff, going to watch them from now on. Anyway, let’s walk closer to the stage or we’ll miss the show…”

Theo took Alex by the hand and pulled him deeper into the crowd, surprised glances fusillading them from all sides. Alex’s unexpected sorrow was getting progressively heavier, like he had been put on a particularly unhurried metal press machine. The yarn ball of thoughts in his mind consisted of so many varicolored threads that Alex had no idea how they had even entwined together and which end to grip first.

“How are you, in general?” Alex asked to break the tense silence.

“Great, thanks. By the way, have you seen pictures of us walking out of the park looking like two pigs after wallowing in mud?”

“Oh… Luckily, I haven’t.”

“Ah, they’re actually hilarious,” Theo smiled, “And open to interpretation. It’s a shame they decided to stick to one, though.”

“Which one?”

“Well, that we had a violent fight.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense!” Alex exclaimed angrily, “A hell of a fight without any injuries! And then leaving the spot together side by side!”

“Yeah, I know. The only thing that could give that impression was your extremely delighted face,” Theo sneered, showing air quotations.

“I… For fuck’s sake, it’s just how it is!” Alex bellowed, his rage intensifying.

Theo gave him a worried glance, and an apology was ready to slip from his tongue, but music in the distance distracted him instantly.

“Oh, they’re already starting!” he cried out, “Let’s halt, uh… here, maybe? Not too crowded, not too desolate, and the view’s nice.”

“Whatever,” Alex shrugged indifferently. His wish to share Theo’s attention with some band was meager, particularly when they already sounded like something he would not like.

Their short set turned out to be a torture for Alex, even though ultimately he came to terms with their music and thought that maybe he would even like a few songs, if he had heard them in some other, less disturbing circumstances. The nasty falseness of the situation rolled over him once again. During the first three songs, all Alex did was stare at an awkwardly dancing Theo and suppress a bored frown. When the fourth one started, Theo turned to him with stars in his eyes, apparently to share his delight about the song. Noticing how apathetic Alex was, Theo shut his mouth mid-word. He made a step backward and put his arms around Alex’s waist from behind. The tender gesture failed to cheer him up – just the opposite – but Alex did not break away. Leastwise, Theo acknowledged his existence and remembered why they were there. For a few songs, they stood like that, swinging to the beat slightly, Theo’s head on Alex’s shoulder and their hands above one another. There were more and more curious looks around but nobody came up to them, apparently too bemused. A couple of phones, raised like weapons, glimpsed in the crowd.

The last song became the peak of Alex’s melancholy. Because of the insincere embrace? Because of the whole situation? Or was the song just contagiously sad and sentimental? At least the last argument was indisputable: the song had its effect and suddenly there were so many hugs and kisses going around as though it was some multiple date. Theo hasted to catch up with the marathon of tenderness, and his lips brushed against Alex’s neck lightly and timidly, as though Theo was afraid to disconcert him – or maybe just too busy watching the concert for something more significant.

The band stopped playing, but the delighted applause did not fade for a whole minute, and Theo let Alex go to join in. Alex did not clap. He liked his previous location of hands better than the whole set.

“Let’s go wander around?” Theo suggested when the applause started to fade, and Alex just jerked his head vaguely.

They sat on a green slope afar from the stages. However, the place was still overflowing with scurrying people, and this constant forced crowdedness was getting on Alex’s nerves. Why did an audience have to be a compulsory condition for every amatory trifle? Yes, they had planned it like this from the very beginning, Alex reminded himself, but was it really going to be that constrained? Why would it be some other way, though? Discombobulated, Alex was sitting in a tense pose, his back crooked and his eyes fixed on his knees, like a child about to bury his face in them and cry over a lost toy. Theo, on the opposite, looked so confident and relaxed as though he was modelling for a magazine cover. However, after a while of throwing stealthy glances at Alex’s suffering, his felicity tarnished.

“Alex…” Theo said quietly, “You look sad, what’s wrong? Was the band bad?”

“Once again, I’m not sad, it’s just my face,” Alex grumbled, not raising his sullen eyes.

“Come on, what happened? Sorry I dragged you to see them. To me, they were marvelous. Maybe we’ll go have a snack or a drink? Or leave?”

“Leave?” Alex echoed in vexation, “I was under the impression we had some unfinished stuff to do here. A show of our own.”

A meaningful grin flourished bashfully on Theo’s lips.

“Oh… Yeah, sorry, you just looked so sulky I was afraid that, best case scenario, you’d push me away again and, worst case scenario, flop me into another puddle…”

Alex rose in revolt and squeezed Theo to the ground with a fierce and impudent kiss. It felt like explaining and proving something at the same time, like a sweetly bold rebellion that they had in mind when they came up with the plan. At first, Theo’s whole body went limp under Alex’s weight. His arms lay on the ground, with palms up in a helpless way. Alex even got scared that he had knocked him senseless with a strong hit against the ground, but then he felt Theo’s hands stroking his back. Under this gentle caress, Alex felt too invasive and softened the kiss. Now it was more like mutual capitulation than a rebellion.

The kiss went on endlessly, and both thought that the whole festival site probably had a chance to come by and watch the scene. Alex raised his head slightly and looked into the sparkling half-closed eyes. Theo’s lips, so passionate and confident just a moment ago, were now trembling, as though trying to utter something. Finally, Theo abandoned the struggle and just gave Alex another little kiss, like a quiet echo of the previous one. They sat up awkwardly and glanced around: several people had even stopped to have a look but now they walked on hastily as though nothing had happened. A few were still staring at them from a distance, though. Essentially, this confusion was what they were after but suddenly everything just felt wrong. Alex was more confused than all the watchers together.

The remainder of the festival was a blur, as though what happened was not a kiss but a bottle of alcohol that you drink in one setting as a challenge in front of your friends and feel dizzy the rest of the evening. Until most observers turned away, Alex pretended to be extremely busy with brushing dust from Theo and himself, gaining a cheeky comment on how their dates always ended up in dirty stuff. They decided to stay at the festival for a while, but soon it became clear that it was as pointless as wandering across the sports ground after the game had ended – but much more awkward.

“I guess, we’ve succeeded this time,” Theo said as they headed for the exit. Floating in some other space and time, Alex flinched.

“Uh? Succeeded in what?”

“In making them think we’re together, of course!”

“Oh… Yeah, we… Probably…” Alex murmured. The initial motive of this all had slipped away from his mind somehow, and it was devastating to greet it back.

“Probably?” Theo echoed in surprise, “Oh, come on! Do you reckon strangers or even friends share a kiss like this now and then?”

Alex’s answer was quiet but distinct.

“Yeah, you’re right. Unlikely.”

That night Alex had trouble sleeping. Vague obsessive thoughts and flashbacks were standing in front of his eyes and preventing him from stepping into oblivion. Every time he was close to a faint similarity of slumber, the same vision arose: Theo beaming and biting lips teasingly beneath him, bright green grass framing his slim black-and-white figure. As if the kiss at the festival had not been long enough, it went on in Alex’s dreams, but a dream is only a flower upon the soil of reality, and it can bloom into something unforeseen. Alex flinched and woke up every time the blossom fragrance became too explicit.

The phone on the bed stand buzzed. Alex would probably ignore the message some other time but by now he just needed anything to distract himself from the miserable attempts to fall asleep. The text turned out to be not so much of a distraction. It was Theo, asking to call him as soon as he would wake up. Drowsy and pensive, Alex glanced at the time. It was 2 a.m. A bit too late for a casual call. Why did Theo want to talk to him at such a late hour? Could it be that Alex was not the only one haunted by those memories, as bright as the late spring day?

“Hey, why aren’t you asleep?” Theo wondered as soon as Alex plucked up his spirits and made a call.

“I… uh… I’m busy,” Alex yawned.

“It shows. Did I wake you up? I’m so sorry, I just…”

“ _Yeah, for the tenth time this night, actually_.” “No, you didn’t, relax. So what’s up?”

“I’ve looked through some tabloid sites, and we’ve fucked up again,” Theo declared so joyously as though it was exceptionally good news.

“What? For fuck’s sake, did we have to make love out there to send the message?” Alex exclaimed in resentment with a tiny involuntary dash of hopefulness.

“Ha-ha, actually, some got it right but a few ones wrote we had a fight once again.”

“Uh… Why do they want a rough-and-tumble so much?”

“Well, we live in a pretty negative world,” Theo noticed, “Some people would rather see men fighting than kissing.”

“Yeah, right… But how could they see fighting in that?” Alex asked, calling the scene to mind once again.

“I’ve seen the pictures, and there are some angles from which you might get that impression.”

“Fucking hell,” Alex blurted.

“Only a few!” Theo hasted to pacify the vexed singer, “Most are enchanting. There are even some truly artistic, not paparazzi-like.”

“You say it like there’s a whole gallery…”

“Oh yeah! Bunches!” Theo said merrily, “People kindly tag me in every single new one. Want me to send you a couple?”

“No, thanks. I’ll hardly hang them on a wall so there’s no need,” Alex chuckled and heard laughter in reply.

“Okay, back to the point. I just wanted to say we have to intensify our attempts.”

“You sound like we’re trying for a baby.”

“Oh shit, you mood ruiner.”

“All the more so…”

Both dozy fools started laughing.

“I didn’t say intensify that much!” Theo chortled so loudly that Alex wondered whether he had awoken the whole building, “I mean, there has to be some consistency. Blusterous scenes like this one or some casual trifles, whatever, it has to be regular. Maybe it’s even better if we stick to the second option because, you know, it’s more convincing, in a sense… less forced, less demonstrative. Do you agree?”

“Yes,” Alex lied, “Let’s change the key.”

He could nowise admit which option actually appealed to him more, particularly after the stirring midnight visions. In the beginning, it just ensued from the wish to protest and shout, the wish to do something so reckless that it did not even feel manageable. However, a few other reasons existed now, and Alex remembered how Theo had told him in the very beginning that matching motives were one of the two terms of the deal. Those were unlikely to meet a match.

“Any reaction from your managers, by the way?” Theo asked.

“Uh… not yet. Basically, we’re all on holiday now so I don’t think they’re keeping close watch. Yours?”

“Same. But don’t worry, Al, we’ll tear them down.”

Alex grinned into the pillow, a half of his mind instantly full of zeal and another half just sliding away into sleep.

“Yeah… But not tonight, I guess,” Alex murmured, staring at the empty space in his bed.

“Probably.”

“Well, then… Good night, Theo.”

“Sweet dreams, Al.”

As though following Theo’s words, Alex finally plunged into slumber, permeated with the same vision, and he did not resist it now.


	3. Realize

Some more days passed, and the couple set out for another supposed date. In all fairness, it was finally a decent one, particularly compared with the previous attempts. This time, there were just a few minor incidents, but some things just get better with a bit of awkwardness.

It was a nice sunny day, and Theo suggested spending it outdoors. They took such a long and extensive route that is suitable mostly for tourists who find themselves in London just for a day and try to see all the main attractions desperately. Surprisingly, Theo and Alex found enough things to speak about throughout the whole promenade, and even when the conversation stumbled, they could just switch to flirtatious nonverbal communication and did it willingly. They walked across the blooming streets arm in arm, laughed carelessly and finally got to know each other on a deeper level than the constant performance usually let them. It almost felt like a real date.

“Let’s take a slushy picture, maybe?” Alex asked whenever they passed another well-trodden sight, and Theo sighed.

“For fuck’s sake! A selfie in front of Big Ben! This is, like, the cheesiest thing we could do!” he moaned, but then he just pulled the phone out and did “the cheesiest thing” obediently, to Alex’s content giggles. He could not care less whether it was banal or not. This day was worth a thousand pictures.

Overall, that day was abundant in photographs – not only those foolish commonplace selfies they took just for a laugh, but also pictures with fans and, as they were almost sure, paparazzi shots. Everything went according to the plan. The slight confusion only made them chuckle and cling to each other even closer. Besides the disarray, now the reaction included some friendly smiles, and Theo marked every single one with his own victorious grin at Alex.

“Well, this was a nice stroll but I’m kind of tired by now,” Alex said, concluding the hours of wandering around and cuddling at every opportune moment, “I’d go on but my legs already hurt, honestly…”

“What are you, 60?”

“Nah. 42, actually.”

“Alright,” Theo smiled, “Please, don’t make me go home, I have absolutely nothing to do there. We can just sit somewhere for a while.”

“Hm… yeah, maybe…”

“Cinema!” Theo exclaimed, looking at the building down the street, “Let’s go to the cinema!”

“Perfect,” Alex agreed.

They went closer to have a look at the timetable on the wall. The cinema’s repertoire was a vast mix of old classics and heavily advertised novelties. While Theo was examining the list with his hand on chin, Alex managed to find symbolism in the dilemma and inclined to the first option since he had enough hype off-screen already. Yet he kept silent and waited for Theo to decide.

“A lot of things to choose from,” Theo rejoiced, his eyes sliding down the list, “How about ‘The Long, Hot Summer’? I’ve wanted to see it for a while. And it starts just in 20 minutes.”

“Great.”

“Okay, let’s go buy tickets then. By the way, did you know that Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward got married after that film and remained together for 50 years? They had known each other for a while before it but spending a lot of time together on set made the crucial spark, I guess. They were one of the most charming couples of that time.”

“Uh… Yeah, I’ve… heard,” Alex stammered, wondering to what extent this detail had been random. It was Theo, after all, but he should have understood in what situation he was brining that up.

As they walked into the cinema hall, the darkness devoured the need – or maybe the opportunity – to show off. Moreover, there was a fine film to watch and distract from each other. And still, Alex regretted the lost excuse. How nice it would be, he thought, to take Theo’s hand when something breathtaking would happen on the screen or to greet the end titles with his head on Theo’s shoulder.

The film began, and both switched to the screen. Alex managed to do it only with his eyes, whereas his mind refused to go anywhere further than the neighboring seat. However fascinating the engrossed viewer looked, Alex could not allow himself to stare at Theo so blatantly and tried to restrain the continual urge. Nevertheless, the problem found other ways to badger him. Instead of buying two separate popcorn buckets, they had taken a single huge one which was now resting on Alex’s lap, and, of course, the occasion could not do without their hands bumping into one another a couple of times. It was not really uncomfortable – they had shared much more intense touches, after all – yet Alex’s peace of mind fell apart again, and he blushed, comfortably veiled by the darkness.

Theo was consuming popcorn at the speed of a combine harvester, and the bucket became empty rather fast. While there was a thrilling moment in the film and Theo was thoroughly concentrated on the screen, Alex put the bucket on the floor quietly. In a minute, the action on the screen settled down, and Theo reached for more popcorn with a habitual gesture and grabbed Alex’s crotch instead.

“Oh shit!” Theo exclaimed in loud whisper, rushing his hand away, “Sorry! Shit, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to!”

Slightly abashed, Alex just wanted to say it was nothing but suddenly he burst out laughing. The situation was ridiculous: a grownup man was apologizing for grazing his crotch when they had been making out in the street less than an hour ago and touching each other all over the place.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry… It was an accident…” Theo went on mumbling apologies. The half-laughing and half-babbling couple got so loud that people started shushing them in annoyance.  

When they calmed down, it came to Alex that the outcome of the little accident could be completely different if not for the darkness around them. In the daylight, certain actions would not need any excuses but in the darkness, they lost the right to them. There were such a lot of things they could do together, if an audience had not been the main condition of their antics. But was it still the aim? Alex grew to consider Theo a strange kind of friend and he would gladly spend some time with him all alone, some time free from acting or, by now, free from pretending to act. He was not sure Theo would, though. If he had suggested this plan so lightly in the first place, there was no proof he took it somewhat more seriously now. So the darkness endured, making it hard to comprehend what was going on and almost impossible to change something about it.

No murky thoughts occurred to Theo, though, and he came back home all exultant and inspirited. The game was going even better than he had suggested it to be. It gave him fun, delight, some kind of reconciliation with himself and, finally, a good new pal. To be exact, a snogging pal, which was hardly a troublesome addition. Theo’s enthusiasm for the idea only grew in course of time, and he kept thinking of further stunts they could pull. The game absorbed him and made him much happier than any other hiatus activity would.  

At the peak of his sentimentality, Theo decided to scroll through the silly selfies they had made. It even seemed to him that they were not so silly – just rather laughable, but in a good way, almost the way mushy songs suddenly become relevant when you fall in love. Theo was pondering whether it was worth to break his Instagram’s dramatic halo and post one of them when Adam’s name and face suddenly emerged on the screen.

“Hey, Adam, what’s up?” Theo answered the call and heard his friend’s slightly alarmed voice in reply:

“Hi, Theo. Anything new?”

“Since we spoke yesterday, not much, actually. Just the usual hiatus inertia most of the time.”

“Really? The things I’ve heard are not so usual. Since when do I have to find out the news about your life from tabloids?” Adam said calmly, yet with a sprinkle of reproach.

“Oh! Which tabloids? What did they write?” Theo asked in an interested voice, and Adam stuttered, assuming his friend was playing some trick on him.

“Uh… Can’t remember which ones, I’m not a subscriber. Quite a few, shortly. And as for what they wrote, I guess, you know better. The pictures didn’t seem fake.”

“Why only now?” Theo went on with the peculiar market research, “I know you check our tags now and then, you should’ve noticed earlier.”

“Not as often as you think,” Adam remarked, “Anyway, I was busy with other stuff.”

“What about the pic I posted, like, 2 or 3 weeks ago? Why didn’t that cause questions?”

“The pic was just a pic. I don’t track every person you hang out with. But you hang out with people all the time, and it’s something brand new. So since when are you dating Alex Turner? Since when are you out at all?”

“One since another,” Theo giggled, “But it’s not like it seems. Remember what the PR guys asked me to do?”

“Yeah, search for contact with the gay community. I remember you cursing the fact you had to show off while I could just sit in my corner quietly, as always. But I can’t remember Alex being a prominent part of the gay community to search for contact so close.”

“Listen, Adam, it’s all fake. Let me explain…” Theo said and told the story about how his and Alex’s directions crossed accidentally and they decided to play a game, which satisfied the requirements formally but was actually meant to make a splash and provoke. Retelling this for the first time since the beginning, Theo suddenly realized how ridiculous it sounded. Adam did not interrupt, but even his silence sounded disapproving. However, it was too late to surrender, and Theo finished his story, although in a rather crumpled way.

“Oh… Good lord…” Adam just said, apparently only more bewildered and disappointed by the explanation, “So it’s just to piss people off?”

“Including that. But there are far more benefits!” Theo exclaimed, ready to unload a bunch of excuses, necessary more for himself than for Adam.

“Theo, don’t get me wrong, I’d support you completely if it was a real relationship. But it’s fucking PR dating, and I’m worried about what you’re sinking into. I thought such hideous stuff wouldn’t concern us.”

“Adam, don’t be like that,” Theo pleaded, “It’s actually fun, and I’m not doing anything that contradicts my moral principles.”

“You’re playing love with a person you don’t even like. Highly moral, isn’t it?”

This acid remark ignited Theo at once. The implied reproach was not the only thing he hated.

“Don’t even like? What gave you the idea?” Theo yelled. Frankly, he had blurted the phrase in warm blood, but he quickly realized that he had nothing in particular to refute it.

Adam kept silent for a second or two and then said slowly:

“Oh… I’m sorry to say this, Theo, but… So much the worse for you.”

“Why?” Theo shouted angrily, feeling guilty deep inside because he knew that in fact he was mad not at Adam, who was just telling the truth as it was, but at himself.

“Because you live in an illusion. You have no idea how he actually feels about you, it’s just a wicked business deal. You don’t even know if he’s really queer. How are you going to disentangle this without making a huge fool out of yourself, when the media attention is fixed upon you? What kind of idiot do you have to be to come up with a plan like this in the first place? How don’t you realize it all?” Adam made a leisurely explanation. After all those years, he could just tell Theo the truth, however harsh it was. Nevertheless, there was no guarantee to get a mature reaction.

“Idiot, you say?” Theo shrieked so loudly that his voice cracked, “Oh fuck, Adam, why do you always have to spoil everything and find faults?”

Theo hung up without waiting for an answer, and the gushy gallery came back to the screen. The same silly pictures agitated Theo even more. He scrolled through them again and examined each one closely, paying attention to every tiny look and gesture and analyzing them painfully, as though looking for a sign that everything was not as bad as Adam had described it. Even if it was just a game, he did not want to lose. There must have been something real amongst all the flirty jokes.

Meanwhile Alex found himself in a similar but at the same time absolutely opposite situation. He brought home a wagon of reflection and melancholy, and just when he was about to unload and sort it, he got a call from Miles.

“Hey, mate! May I congratulate you?” Miles started merrily.

“Congratulate on…?” Alex asked in confusion.

“Well, I see you’ve finally found a guy worthy enough to come out of your dusky burrow, congrats on that! By the way, you could’ve told me yourself. Because I’ve just seen a bunch of mushy pics with my face in tears photoshopped in the corner, and this is not the best way to find out, you know…”

Alex chuckled.

“Ah, this… Theo and I… It’s just a game, no big deal.”

“A game’s fine too,” Miles reassured, “I didn’t say it had to be all serious and committed. I’m just glad that you’re comfortable with it now.”

“Uh… Not in that sense…” Alex mumbled and proceeded to tell the story in brief. He remembered every stupid detail and hated his memory for this sudden precision but he just could not make himself verbalize most of them. Even if he would find the words, everything would sound too ridiculous and beg for questions. Alex was not in the mood to discuss it in detail. However, even given a really short and cleansed version of the story, somehow Miles jumped right to the question Alex wanted to hear least.

“Oh, alright, I see. So you don’t even like him, huh?”

“Me? Like him? No, of course, not… I’ve already told you it was just for a love… Uh, sorry, for a laugh…” Alex stuttered and heard his friend giggling, “Fuck! Just a slip of the tongue!”

“Okay. Judging by the pictures, you’ve been hanging out with him today too, right?”

“Yeah, I just came. Oh, for fuck’s sake, stop cackling! He’s just a deal!”

“What? He’s ideal? Can’t hear you well,” Miles went on laughing.

“There’s absolutely nothing between us!”

“Absolutely nothing? Buddy, I’m sorry for interfering but don’t you forget about protection…”

“I’ll kill you, Miles,” Alex promised in sheer distress.

“Al, you should take hold of it.”

“Take hold of what? He didn’t ask me to take hold of anything,” Alex protested, thinking of the cinema accident.

“I mean, you should realize your little performance into something better if you’re into it. You still have a good chance, though, so go for it,” Miles said simply.

“What makes you think I need this at all? I don’t even like him.”

“Let’s be clear, Al, you’re a shitty actor. And then, you wouldn’t have agreed to this if there hadn’t been something from the very start. I know you, after all.”

What Miles said was indisputable but somewhat hard to handle, particularly when Alex would prefer getting rid of those thoughts to hearing them from somebody who knew him so well. He could hardly deny there was certain physical attraction involved but it was not quite the same as what Miles meant and what Alex was afraid to think of.

“Bullshit,” he declared roughly.

“The idea’s bullshit. Why did you agree then?”

The initial motives swept through Alex’s mind. Once again, he remarked how little sense they made, particularly disconnected from Theo’s voice and smile, full of enthusiastic persuasion. Alex would not manage to present them just as sensibly, at least on the face of it. It would only absorb him deeper into the whirl of Miles’ never-ending chaff.

“Told you so! Think for yourself, Al, but it seems to me you’re missing out and going to regret it later.”

“Bye, Miles.”

“As if you’re saying goodbye to the problem, not me,” Miles sighed, “Okay, bye, then.”

Before Alex had time to recover from the talk, he got another call, from the bewildered management this time. Just as expected, they were far from charmed by both the affair itself and its flamboyance. Alex had a prepared set of retorts for this conversation. Already peeved, he asserted that he just did what he had been told to and could not see a reason to be dissatisfied. A few minutes of ruckus deprived Alex of the meager remaining spirit for the day, but it was not the end of the clutter yet. Apparently, today’s pictures got around widely, and Alex’s phone got bombarded with messages from his friends. He did not feel the mental strength to open and answer any of them so he just swept the notifications away.

The growing snowball of surprise and confusion – wasn’t it the initial plan? In the beginning, it was supposed to be funny. However, the laughter did not come out, and Alex felt no triumph – just exhaustion and discomfort. Like a beginning actor, he did not want to look at the faces in the theatre hall – he just wanted to escape backstage as soon as possible. Backstage, to the fellow actor, the only one who would understand and find the needed words of encouragement.

Alex tapped Theo’s name in the phonebook, although he had no idea what he would say. A reasonable part of him just wanted to admit he could not take it anymore and the game had to end, particularly when, essentially, the goal was accomplished. However, deep inside Alex hoped that something would estrange him from this decision. He kept repeating in his mind that it would probably be a break-up call but he wanted Theo to prevent him from saying those words somehow.

Theo had been examining the pictures for such a long time that he memorized their order and gave them jocular nicknames. He almost posted at least seven of them, but his finger froze above the screen every time and eventually swept the amatory sights away. After all the scenes he had performed with Alex, posting any of those pictures would not add anything significantly new to the plot. However, to Theo’s mindset, it would, and he did not feel ready for such a confession to himself. In the end, he posted a more innocuous picture of Alex looking at his iPhone with the London Eye in the background, captioned it “The apple of my eye” and put the phone away with a musing sigh. In a few minutes, Alex called.

“Alex?” Theo asked in slight surprise, “Glad to hear you, what’s up?”

“Uh… I’ve just had a brawl with the PR guys,” Alex mumbled, sticking to the only relevant excuse, “They’re not particularly overjoyed by what’s happening, you know.”

“That was the point, right?”

“Yeah but… I just don’t feel victorious about this.”

“Let the anger settle down first. You’ll feel better. Everything goes as planned.”

“ _It really doesn’t_ ,” Alex lamented in his mind, “Are yours somewhat disturbed, by the way?”

“Didn’t give me a sign as yet. Adam’s fairly disturbed, though,” Theo admitted, hastily inventing a way to round the edges of the complaint, “We’ve just talked about it, and… uh… I probably should’ve warned him, at least.”

“What’s disgruntling him so much?”

“Never mind. Long story short, he’s such a catastrophizer now and then.”

“I see,” Alex said sadly, “What a coincidence, I’ve just had a little quarrel with Miles.”

“Sorry to hear this, why?”

“He, uh… Well, he just says too much sometimes.”

“Oh… It’s a shame.”

The following sympathetic silence felt like a complete dead end. Alex asked himself whether it was even worth to go on with this toy affair when eventually both were just sad and drowning in bicker.

“Look, Theo… This thing, it’s just… not as amusing as you said it would be,” Alex started cautiously and instantly heard pleading notes in Theo’s voice:

“Wasn’t the park date hilarious? And today’s walk at least somewhat nice? And we’ve only just begun!”

“Yeah, they were but… I just feel squeezed out.”

“Why?”

Alex stumbled at the simple question and regretted touching this topic at all. He would not tell the main reason, and the minor ones needed time to be worded carefully.

“Listen, maybe you’re just tired,” Theo said, “Fatigue overshadows things. It was such a long and tedious walk, sorry…”

“No, the walk was fine!” Alex hasted to correct him, instead of clinging to the excuse. He did not want Theo to feel like he had done something bad. “I’d repeat that one day.”

“Let’s go somewhere now, then! Lying around at home will hardly make you feel better, and evening walks are fantastic.”

“Uh… You’ve just made me realize I really am kind of tired,” Alex admitted, “And absolutely not ready for another journey. But… I guess, you’re right. Sitting at home alone barely lifts spirits.”

“I can come to your place,” Theo said willingly, “I’ll bring some pizza, we can watch another film… All better than pining away. Or we’ll do whatever you suggest.”

Alex smirked unwittingly, even though Theo’s tone was too light and ingenuous to imply something salacious.

“Okay, sounds nice,” Alex smiled, glancing around the flat and estimating the amount of necessary glossing, even though it was already clean. His fault-finding look lingered on the bed and grew into a dreamy gaze.

“Hey,” Theo’s voice brought Alex back to Earth, and he started waving his arm in front of his face as if to chase the visions away, “Am I supposed to find your flat on my own or maybe you’ll kindly tell me the address?” Theo chuckled.

“Oh… Yeah, of course…”

When Theo showed up on Alex’s threshold with a big pizza box in one hand and a plastic bag of beer bottles in another, Alex’s first reflexive reaction was to tiptoe and reach for a greeting kiss. He slowed down halfway, realizing that they were all alone and did not have to bill and coo. Theo apparently decided that Alex was going for a hug and laughed.

“Whoa, hold up, I may drop those!”

“I just… wanted to take them away…” Alex mumbled, grabbed both burdens and escaped to the living room to hide the awkwardness. They were alone for the first time since the rainy scene in the park and alone in such intimate surroundings for the first time at all. It was a different playground, and it obviously required a different set of rules. Already accustomed to their rather unbridled routine, Alex did not know how to behave now, absolved from the necessity to make a show. He knew how he wanted to behave – just the same as they always did; but it was out of the question when throughout the first minutes Alex did not even dare to look Theo in the eye.

“Make yourself at home…” Alex said, turning around to find Theo sprawling on the couch with a bottle of beer he had already sneaked from the bag somehow, “Ah, you already have, I see,” Alex smiled.

“Give me the pizza, please.”

“I’ll just leave it here,” Alex said, putting the box on the coffee table, and Theo reached for a piece, “You crafty boy, came here just to get a personal waiter?”  

“I sure did. Why else?” Theo chuckled and put the cooled bottle to his lips again. Alex stared at the touch shamelessly.

“To entertain me, I thought,” Alex smirked, taking a seat near Theo’s knees, “To distract me from the hardships of life, may I say…”

“Work is the best distraction, Alex. By the way, make me a sandwich, I’ve underestimated my hunger.”

“Dream on!” Alex laughed and pushed the giggling joker so that the piece of pizza grazed Theo’s face, “I didn’t mean that much at home!”

“See, you’re laughing already. I’m a good entertainer,” Theo beamed, his cheek stained with sauce. The host could not refuse himself the temptation to bend over and wipe it with a tissue.

“You got dirty,” Alex explained when Theo looked up at him with a silent question.

“Oh, here we go again… It’s nice to keep things a bit dirty.”

“Saucy, I’d say.”

Theo trembled with laughter, and Alex could not take his eyes off him, lighthearted, stretched out so invitingly, his lips pecking the beer bottle now and then. There was such pure happiness in his eyes, as though they were just two youngsters who finally got a flat all to themselves and managed to get some beer. Alex thought that such adolescent joys had been left far behind, but Theo’s contagious cheer about the simplest things made him appreciate them again. Like an inexperienced teen indeed, Alex dithered and glanced at his pal furtively, hoping that he would make the first move and the rest would whirl up. But Theo just lay there peacefully, without a single shift towards Alex. The silence was becoming awkward.

“So what… uh… shall we do?” Alex finally asked in a husky voice.

“I’ve got it,” Theo declared and pulled out a flash drive out of his pocket, to Alex’s biggest disappointment, “There’re like 10 films there, choose any. I’ve tried to avoid, you know, burdening ones so that I wouldn’t depress you any more but… What?” Theo asked worriedly, observing Alex’s not particularly amused face.

“Nothing. Just amazed at your forethought,” Alex muttered, estimating the chances Theo had taken a wrong flash drive or that it would not work at all. It was such a weak and shameful thought. Instead, Alex could have just taken Theo in his arms already and decided the rest of the evening himself. But he did not dare and just watched Theo plugging the flash drive into the TV and trying to figure out the settings.

Even starting a film did not save Alex from the hell of indecent thoughts. It only got worse. A young couple, a couch, alcohol, and a cozy evening – hadn’t this sum been already solved a million times both in reality and in numerous works of fiction? Alex was thinking about the well-known finale much more than about the film on the screen. Maybe Miles was right, and there was a chance. All he had to was to reach out and perform any gentle gesture. To take Theo’s graceful hand, resting on the couch, to shorten the distance and cuddle up to him, to forsake the film and overcast Theo’s vision with a kiss… Hadn’t they done it all before, after all? And would something bigger be an issue for Theo if he took everything so easily? Would he mind another, as he called it, hiatus entertainment? With all these questions, Alex was languishing at Theo’s presence so close, and every little sigh of his was like a sound of another wave falling over for a drowning man. At this point, Alex was not even sure what he wanted more – Theo to do something or the film to end and consequently make Theo leave, ceasing this torture.

As a matter of fact, the film had been forgotten a long time ago as Theo was pining with similar doubts. What he wanted to do most was crash Alex into the couch and kiss him like Alex had kissed him at the festival but with another outcome, more logical for that kind of situation. The couple of glances Theo had dared to steal disillusioned him even more. Alex was staring at the screen with an expression so absent as though nobody was sitting beside him at all. It was quite clear that Alex was more interested in watching the film while Theo was mostly watching him. Theo had no idea how to break away from the stupid game he had started, when Alex was taking it as it should be, and he, Theo, only spoiled it with his hollow daydreams. And was it even worth trying? Alex barely needed him for anything else but a spit in the eye, and this paradigm was probably the only way to stay close to him and get his affection, however forced and fake it was.

The goodbye was strained and awkward. As soon as the end titles appeared on the screen, Theo turned the TV off and mumbled something about the darkness outside.

“I’d better go home before the tube closes,” he added.

“Yeah, sure,” Alex sighed, standing up and avoiding Theo’s eyes, “Well, uh… The film was nice. Thanks for coming.”

“My pleasure,” Theo said, pulled the flash drive out and went to the door.

As he was putting his jacket on, Alex was watching him in sorrow and challenging himself to step forward and hold him back. His heart ached to ask Theo to stay for the night and then, in the morning, crawl closer to him, kiss his sleepy smile and ask just to stay forever. They were worth much more than a single night, and that wishlist in the small black notebook suddenly did not seem so ridiculous anymore. By now, Alex would gladly elaborate on the details himself.

Theo lingered as though on purpose. First his arm would not get into the sleeve, then a button would not obey – and still Alex did not dare to take liberties. He just came up to Theo, took the fabric softly and put the unruly button in its place, all without raising his eyes at him. Suddenly Alex felt a palm on his right cheek and then, a mild kiss on another.

“Bye, Al,” Theo said without a habitual smile and walked out, leaving Alex even more baffled and seared.

“Bye, Theo,” Alex murmured at the half-open door.

They needed some time to grasp what had been unsaid and undone but thought through so meticulously. And then, both called their best friends and said the same phrase:

“Sorry, you were right.”

“About what?” asked the distanced duo.

“I’m an idiot,” said Theo.

“I’m in love with him,” said Alex.


	4. Impromptu

“Hey, Al, got time to play?”

The longed-for call caught Alex in the middle of songwriting. More precisely, in the middle of staring at the complete lyrics on a paper and trying to rephrase the most obvious and hinting sentences. It was a hard task, when the text has just fallen into place so nicely and when its muse turned up again with another naughty suggestion. Alex pictured how exactly Theo was grinning at the moment and squeezed the phone closer to his ear, as though it would somehow help him see, hear and feel the smile better.

“Uh… Yeah, I… I mean, why not…”

“Am I distracting you?”

“ _Quite a lot lately_ ,” Alex thought and smiled, “Ah, don’t worry. I’m just working on a song.”

“How’s it going?” Theo wondered.

“In short, it’s somewhat your type,” Alex said evasively.  

“Whoa, great! Can’t wait to hear it! Which type in particular, though? I like a lot of different stuff.”

“It’s, uh… hard to say. Somewhere in between your and my tastes, I guess. It’s far from complete, anyway. So what did you say about playing?”

“Oh yeah, I’ve just received an invitation to a party,” Theo said, “I didn’t grasp for sure what it’s all about because I called you at once… The point is, there’re going to be lots of celebrities and photographers – well, you know the drill. It’s a nice place for showing off, to me…”

“Well, those parties are a nice place for showing off to everyone, why else would they exist,” Alex noticed, “Showing off clothes, wealth, dates… Whatever’s best for them.”   

“Yeah, I know. Would you mind me showing you off?”

“Such an unflattering choice of words. If you put it like this, I’d rather shove you off,” Alex chuckled with a shade of displeasure, and Theo corrected himself.

“Okay, then you show me off.”

“Just as cringeworthy.”

Embarrassed by the poor grade Alex had given him, Theo fell silent. Alex just wanted him to put the invitation in a plainer and softer way and leave the masquerade out. Hiding behind their self-invented roles all the time was becoming tiresome.

“Uh… So do you want to be my plus one or not?” Theo mumbled in confusion, and Alex relented.

“That sounds better. Sure, I do. When and where?”

“On Thursday, in the bar where we met,” Theo said with a sly smirk, “Do you remember it, tiny drunkard?”

“I… Why, of course!” Alex declared defensively. It was not a lie: as soon as the remembrances came back from the drunken haze, Alex organized and cherished them lovingly. He would not give this memory away, however ludicrous it was. “I remember much more than you think, Theo.”

“Yeah, and I remember how much you remembered the day after,” Theo laughed, “Like, ‘Oh fuck, was I that drunk?’… So much horror in your voice. I haven’t forgiven you since then, just so you know.”

The complaint sounded jolly, but Alex instantly plunged into worries whether he had really offended Theo with this and plenty other things he had said without due consideration. Who could have known he would cast the snubs away so soon?

“Hey, Al, are you still there?” Theo asked after a while of guilty silence, “Don’t worry, I’m not resentful. We all do stupid things when we’re drunk… and you just assumed I had been your stupid thing,” he smirked.

“No! Not like that! You’re not a stupid thing!” Alex choked on the attempts to apologize, and Theo just chuckled.

“Wow, you’re generous with compliments today. And how courteous!”

“I mean… Sorry for that evening… This time, it’s going to be better,” Alex promised, pondering how he could make up for all his not so pleasant words about Theo and their relationship in general. What a terrible mistake it had been, to rain upon Theo’s initial enthusiasm when he should have fanned it and bask in its heat. Mocking it so persistently would hardly make Theo perceive it somewhat more seriously.

Summer was on the horizon. The air in the sunlit streets caressed the skin warmly. The couple met a bit afar from the bar and gave their performance a false start, clinging to each other with a greeting kiss right at the appointed place. The intersection was virtually empty, but Alex had little wish to point this fact out. In fact, he did not even notice it until they parted and went down the leisurely street hand in hand.

“It’s, uh… surprisingly calm outside for such a hot day,” Alex remarked.

“Well, sorry, can’t unkiss you,” Theo shrugged jauntily and walked on, clutching Alex’s hand even more unfalteringly. Alex burst out laughing, and the seeming slip-up was forgiven at once.

The bar looked much more inviting in the daylight. As they walked into the crowded building, Alex could not chase away the feeling that they were celebrating some anniversary with coming back to the place where it all had started.

“I remember you sitting there,” Theo said, only reinforcing the impression, “So gloomy as if the world had just ended.”

“ _And I remember you coming up to me and ending my world for real_ ,” Alex thought.  

“It seems so funny now,” Theo went on, his confident arm around Alex’s waist, “The conversation was really awkward, I admit. But look at where we are now!”

“ _Where are we? For fuck’s sake, tell me where exactly we are_ ,” Alex wailed internally.

“Everything’s for the best, in the end. I’m happy we got to know each other, even though from a starting point rather uncommon.”

“ _It’s the destination point that ma–_ ”

Alex did not manage to finish his thought as Theo pulled him close and kissed him, to the joy of several photographers around. His mind zoned out as cameras clicked and flashed. Another staged caress, Alex thought cheerlessly, even though holding Theo tight and dragging him back into the kiss every time he felt the touch weakening. However, the little speech did not seem staged. Nobody was standing that close to them to hear what they were saying, and Theo probably realized it.

“I’m happy too,” Alex whispered.

“No regrets, then?” Theo asked, stroking Alex’s cheek, his smile so radiant and inspiriting that the very feeling of regret suddenly seemed to be nonexistent in this world at all. Alex just shook his head slowly, his eyes fixed at Theo’s. “See, I’ve told you it was going to be fun. And I swear that even more great things are ahead.”

After a brief amatory parade around the place, the couple breathed easily. The assignment was formally done, and the rest of the evening seemed to be all theirs. Playing their parts was easier than ever. Bystanders who got baffled by their tender antics were scarce by now, and finding fun in it became easier in course of time. Whenever somebody threw a curious glance at them, Alex just clung closer to his cuddly playmate, as though confirming their bond once again and telling he was not going to let go soon. Unlike the previous meeting when Theo had just flopped on the couch with a beer, this time he played the gentleman. He fetched them drinks and canapés, irradiated suave trifles and compliments and even suggested a slow dance when a suitable song started. Alex laughed but grabbed the stretched hand at once.

“Ooh, you lead, then?” Theo smiled as Alex’s hand lay on his back.

“What? Don’t look like it, eh?” Alex mumbled, abashed by Theo’s cunning look.

“Looks can be deceiving, don’t you know?” Theo grinned even wider, “But what if I want to do a dip? You won’t be able to hold me!”

“Pft! Cheese dip, if anything,” Alex snorted.

“You evil chump,” Theo giggled and squeezed Alex with a tight hug that was not a trifle resentful.

When the song was over, Theo walked away to bring more drinks, even though Alex had reacted to the idea with a faint headshake. His willpower was already too weak to endure a battle with alcohol, particularly if Theo was going to give him just as much liquor as he had one time before. If back then, when Alex had barely found Theo interesting, it had been enough for him to cling to Theo and fall asleep on his shoulder, what could happen now?

“You won’t believe it,” Theo chuckled as he came back to Alex with glasses of wine, and they halted in the corner, “I’ve just talked to a friend of mine, and she said the NME Awards should introduce a “Best music couple” category especially for us.”

“Why wouldn’t I? I know we’re the best,” Alex smiled, tinkling his glass against Theo’s.

“Right! We’re doing great, I think. But it’s too early to cool off.”

Alex nodded vigorously. There was hardly any cooling going on in his mind.

“We have to make another splash,” Theo added, “Do something really reckless… Or people will just get used to this, and there’s no point.”

For Alex, that was another demeaning wording, but he preferred to constrain the grudge this time.

“Any ideas?”

“None as yet…”

“Wow, this is unexpected,” Alex marveled kindly, “What about your black notebook? I thought it’s become multi-volume by now.”

“Writer’s block,” Theo excused himself with an innocent smile. He would not admit that his to-do list had gradually turned into something more of a diary, although the gist was basically the same.

“Alright, let’s go sit and wait for inspiration to strike.”

They went to the nearest free couch and sat down. The squashy sensation and the view of the room seemed familiar. Suddenly it occurred to both that it was that very couch where the deal had been made one day and where something of an awkward embrace had happened for the first time. They preferred to hold this sentimental fact back. For some reason, it seemed a redundant comment.

“Oh look, inspiration’s passing by,” Theo noticed jokingly and grabbed two more glasses from a waiter’s tray.

“Easy on inspiration, please. Not the best option, anyway,” Alex warned.

A few more shots of “inspiration” – and Alex would probably just climb Theo right on that couch. The situation had to stay under control. Alex would prefer a more private place to make a fool out of himself and he just left his glass untouched on the table while Theo drank his one at one gulp and winced dramatically.

“Yeah, this one was definitely not the best option so you were right to refuse it. I’ll say a few kind words to the bartender if I have a chance.”

“It’s not worth it,” Alex said, grasping the slightly combative drinker’s hand. Barely planning to rise from the couch any time soon, particularly when Alex was holding him, Theo sniggered.

“I know. Just a figure of speech. Alcohol’s never been my muse. There are better things in life,” Theo said and suddenly gifted his companion a foxy smile, “Inspire me, Alex.”

“As in?” Alex mumbled helplessly.

“As in the centuries of romance fiction,” Theo explained, pulling Alex on his lap with a lethally expressive smirk. Once again, it was something on the border between the game and reality. His arm round Theo’s neck, Alex looked into the dark eyes and tried to distinguish what he was seeing. Was it a real flame or just something more of a trembling shiny piece of fabric that you sometimes see near doors as a decoration? While Alex was busy examining the look, Theo preferred to check how broad his freedom of touch was, and his hands were stroking Alex’s back and hips slowly, maintaining the eye contact to catch the tiniest signs of discomfort and stop in time. Alex was profoundly fine with every touch and sealed his consent with a kiss.

The smooching couple could not care less for the audience now, however vital it had been in the beginning. Happiness was coming from the inside now. The only thing that could make their embrace more confident was knowing for sure that the other one felt this way too. And if they had known, they would have run from the party hand in hand already. Theo’s mind turned this fantasy into another naughty idea, and a chuckle broke away into the kiss.

“What?” Alex murmured lazily, longing back to the smiling lips.

“I have a fantastic idea. Let’s go bang in the toilet.”

Alex’s eyebrows flew up.

“Excuse me?”

“Act it out, I mean,” Theo clarified.

“Oh…” Alex only uttered, wondering whether the fall of his face had been too apparent.

“No guts?” Theo sneered quietly, lifting Alex’s chin.

“It’s… Eh… I’m not…”

“Come on, let’s be scandalous,” Theo grinned and started singing quietly into Alex’s ruddy ear, “Don’t you want me, baby? Don’t you want me, oh…”

“Crooning wanker,” Alex snarled. Challenged and teased, he jumped up and dragged the laughing provoker to the toilet by the hand. At least a few people could have noticed the rush.

The restroom turned out to be empty. Alex hustled Theo into a cubicle without particular grace and slammed the door, internally shouting at himself: _“Act out! Just act out! ACT OUT, ALEX!”._ Grinning, Theo leaned on the sidewall and crossed his arms. It was not a particularly inviting gesture – and thank god, it was not, because there were enough agitating things going on already. The space in the cubicle was provokingly meager. Willingly or not, Alex could only stare at every detail of Theo’s figure.

“So, uh…” Alex murmured, hopelessly trying to avert his eyes from Theo, “How are we going to… uh… act out…”

“With nobody around, just hang out here for a while, I guess. It would be more difficult if someone… Oh fuck,” Theo whispered as they heard the door opening and somebody walking in. Theo gave Alex a hasty, rummaging look and suddenly dragged him closer with such force that the cubicle wall creaked. Numb with the mixture of arousal and confusion, Alex just froze squeezed to Theo’s chest. Judging by the sound of the door, another person had just come into the restroom. Theo jerked backwards to get another screech from the wall.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Alex mumbled faintly. There was nothing else to look at and nowhere else to put his hands – Theo was suddenly all around.

“Improvising. Don’t be a log, Alex,” Theo hissed into his ear, “Do something.”

“What?” Alex whispered back in panic. His mind was too turbid to think of a plausible performance. Instead of an answer, Theo slapped his butt shamelessly. “Ouch!” Alex blurted out.

“Better,” Theo mouthed silently, with a content smile. What is worse, he proceeded with a quiet groan that made Alex’s insides flip over. Seeing this grinning puss moan right in front of him was a whole new level of torture.

“ _Ah, another game you want. Here, get it_ ,” Alex thought. He pressed Theo’s wrists to the wall with a loud thud, saving a cautious distance in the middle. The long-suffering wood wailed again. Spread against the wall, Theo curved his lips into an approving smirk.

“Oh, Alex…” Theo moaned, suppressing laughter. Making use of a moment of weakness in Alex’s hand, Theo grasped his collar. His lips dug into Alex’s neck, and Alex felt a slight bite that pierced him to the core and pressed out an unfeigned groan.

They barely understood what they were doing anymore – acting, fighting or foreplaying. Above all, it was just another round of the game, and both grinned at each other after every move, either sure that he was going to win. But what would be the victory? Making another one so embarrassed that he would give the game up first? Or something contrary? In any case, neither conceded. They kept shoving and walloping just as eagerly, although Alex felt like his stamina was running out. The only thing that kept him conscious was that throughout the whole steamy hustle Theo did not allow an actual kiss, unlike various pushes, hits and pats. Whenever their lips were close, Theo just moaned again and tilted his head backwards, infuriating Alex to the point he was one step close to breaking the rules and forcing him into a kiss, if not making him moan for real. Painful curiosity kept throwing in racy questions. To what extent was this close to Theo’s actual intimate expressions? Was he really that loud? Beyond the game, did he like a dash of roughness? Exasperated, Alex rose to Theo’s ear and whispered:

“How long are we going to play this?”

“I’m waiting for you,” Theo chuckled softly, and Alex flared up.

“Waiting, aren’t you? Well, then… Oh fuck!” Alex suddenly groaned into his neck, “Theo, don’t stop… Ah… Theo… Fuck!” he exhaled the final chord, feeling grinning crinkles on Theo’s cheek with his palm, and switched to whisper again, “Who’s being a log now? Make some noise, loverman.”

Theo obeyed and let out a heavy, prolonged gasp that gradually turned into mild laughter. The fire is usually supposed to go out at this point but Alex felt endlessly far from extinguishment. He broke away from Theo and leaned on the opposite wall, trying to get his breathing to a decent tempo.

“Fucking hell,” Alex mumbled, “I need a cigarette.”

Theo smirked, his eyes still shimmering in an almost obscene way.

“Let’s take a walk of shame and go outside,” he suggested.

The party was entertaining enough for their absence to go almost unnoticed– however, a few guests marked the comeback with an exchange of uncomfortable glances and whispers. Under the weight of them, Alex stooped and blushed. What had happened was a lot like those times in the childhood when you do not actually dare to go for something forbidden but somehow are punished for it anyway, and it is twice worse because you do not even get the bait. Theo hugged him on the waist, as though protecting from the prying crowd, and led him outside carefully.  

Looking at the clouds of smoke Alex was puffing into the air, deep in thought, Theo felt the wound in his composure bleeding heavily. He would not answer why he had started this peculiar combat in the first place, knowing how risky it was. At least he had successfully fought off the temptation to kiss Alex because otherwise he would have probably just gone off the deep end. His own behavior seemed exceptionally wild when Alex was now standing near him all collected and silent – smoking always made him look particularly cold-blooded, and maybe, as Theo suggested, it was one of the reasons he liked it. Nevertheless, in all fairness, just a few minutes ago, he was not that reserved… and no one was around to observe this fever… well, maybe just to hear, but Theo had been the louder one, anyway…

“I don’t want to go back there,” Alex suddenly said.

“Uh… Yeah, alright,” Theo mumbled, struggling to understand whether Alex wanted to take their meeting to another place or just to leave. Naturally, Theo would prefer the first option.

“Where do you want to go?” Alex asked, and Theo instantly blurted out what was buzzing inside his mind the loudest:

“Let’s go to my place.”

Before Alex managed to shape his emotions into appropriate words, Theo hasted to add:

“It’s a shame we didn’t take pictures in your flat that day because domestic stuff would be lovely, particularly to balance the scene we’ve just thrown.”

“Well, if you say it’s lovely…” Alex said, internally praying that it would be just a lame excuse. With Theo, it was usually hard to say.

However, Theo stuck to the idea with such persistence that it stopped sounding like an excuse at all. Alex did not expect “taking pictures” to actually mean a thorough photoshoot, worthy of a magazine cover. The tussle had obviously bordered with seduction, and Alex stared at Theo’s photographic bustle at a total loss, waiting for a completely different set of actions.

“What an idiot I am…” Theo said, arousing a glimpse of hope and cutting it off at once, “I’ll bring a decent camera,” he promised, put his phone away and left for another room.

“Feels flattering to deserve a decent one at last,” Alex sighed, slightly tired of posing, “I didn’t know photography was your hobby.”

“Oh, not that much of a hobby, actually. I only take pictures when I’m in the mood, from time to time.”

“ _For god’s sake, I’m still smoldering after the bar right in front of your eyes, why would you get that artistic mood now_ …”

“And I take out a proper camera really rarely. But there’s a good reason now. Like, a couple project.”

“It’s like you’re my Linda McCartney,” Alex smiled, “And I’m your sir Paul.”

“Yes, sir,” Theo laughed, appearing in the doorway with a camera in his hands, “But jokes aside, this could be marvelous. I’ll try my best.”

Alex endured another photographic attack patiently, desperately thinking how he could turn the evening in another direction. The only switch that came to his mind was suggesting a bit of nude photography but that was decisively inept. Theo was dashing around him with such passion that Alex was even afraid to interrupt him. However strongly the suggestion resembled a childlike excuse, for all Alex knew, Theo was weird enough to actually mean it. And if he did, tempting endeavors would put Alex in an uncomfortable situation.

In fact, Theo had close to no idea what he was doing: primarily, he was just trying to hide from Alex’s drilling look behind the lens. Keeping control over himself was slightly easier that way. The flame burnt less as a mere picture in the viewfinder. Photographing had been the last thing on Theo’s mind when he had invited Alex to his place, but Alex’s outward coldness and passivity roped Theo’s hands. Closed gestures and provocative poses occurred in turns, and the mixed-up photographer failed to grasp whether putting the camera away would be appropriate.

“Can I at least see how it’s going?” Alex asked wearily, sprawling on the couch in a rather suggestive way. The meager remainder of Theo’s self-control was melting away. He only grasped the camera tighter, like a shield.

“Yeah, sure, come and see.”

“I don’t want to stand up,” Alex whined.

“What a fractious model you are!” Theo smiled, “Okay, I’ll walk up to you, lazy ass.”

Theo came closer and sat where Alex’s legs were resting. The model, however, stayed stretched out and let out a smug grin.  

“Nah. I’m so comfortable. If I rise, I won’t be able to recreate that position. Give me the camera.”

“No way,” Theo snapped, distancing the camera from Alex, “I’d be grateful if your never-ending unfortunate romance with technology wouldn’t involve my belongings.”

“Give it to me, baby,” Alex repeated foxily, his arm stretching out in a demanding manner and invisibly dragging the last self-restraint out of Theo. Howling internally, Theo squeezed Alex to the backrest and lay beside him on the narrow free line.

“The presentation will have to go this way then, I guess. Move or I won’t fit!”

“This is the most I can do!” Alex squeaked, pressed between Theo and the soft backrest and dumbfounded by the sudden sensation. It was as though they were still playing the game they had started at the bar, now showing off in front of nobody but themselves. The stakes were higher this time. There, in the restroom, the finale had been plotted, but now they were dealing with reality that cannot stand any scripts.

“You’re not even trying. Just impersonating a plank, as always,” Theo sneered, fidgeting in attempts to settle down, and Alex got a few accidental kicks.

“Hey! Careful, please!” he exclaimed and elbowed Theo in the side.

That was a mistake. Already hanging on the edge of the couch, Theo tilted for a fall with a desperate squeal. Alex held him back in time, but the camera had already slid away from his hand.

“Oh fuck! Alex, there’ll be murder tonight if there’s a single scratch!” Theo yelled, and both looked at the floor, Alex bending over Theo to have a better view. The camera was lying safely on one of the cushions that Alex had thrown down from the couch before he lay there.

“Phew… I’m safe for now,” Alex grinned.

“You fucking aren’t!” Theo shouted, rising on his knees above Alex and hitting him with another cushion, “Shoving me away from my own couch! You’re going to get it!”

“Ouch! Theo, stop it, you’ve been beating me all day long!” Alex pleaded. With Theo’s tall figure suddenly towering over him, thinking clearly was getting progressively more troublesome.

“At least those articles are somewhat true now,” Theo laughed, delivering another blow.

“Fucking articles all the time! Why do you keep hitting me at all? Sublimating?” Alex blurted out in a fit of temper.

The cushion froze in the air. An uncomfortable twitch went through Theo’s lips. He threw the cushion away and arched over Alex, anger and menace gleaming in his eyes. Theo lingered inches away from Alex’s open lips that were framing heavy pants of fervor.

“Sorry… I didn’t mean…” Alex mumbled, “Just slipped out…”

“How rude, once again,” Theo hissed into his face, “Just so you know, Alex… If we were actually together, your foul mouth wouldn’t say such things. I wouldn’t give it time.”

Theo stepped forward, and his knee almost pressed against Alex’s groin, making him recoil into the armrest instinctively.

“Am I making you uncomfortable?” Theo asked with such indignant decidedness that crossed out the possibility of him backing away at any answer.

“Not at all… “Uncomfortable” isn’t the word, anyway…”

“Good. Sublimating, you say? Is it funny to you? You’re not even using the term correctly, just saying.”

“Going to give me a lecture on psychology in this exact position?” Alex sneered, nodding at the meager distance between their bodies.

“In this exact position, there are far more interesting things I’d like to do.”

“Like what?” Alex smiled innocently.

“First of all…” Theo said in a low voice, “The pricey thing lying on the floor would be not my camera but your jacket.”

“Just the jacket?” Alex squinted.

“For a start.”

“Nice. What’s next?”

“I’d show you my special talent of unbuttoning a shirt with one hand in the blink of an eye. I’m highly qualified.”

“No doubt about this. Go on,” Alex required as Theo crawled closer.

“Kiss your neck so hard a vampire bite would seem a joking graze,” Theo whispered at a slow, tormenting pace.

“Really enjoyable. And then?”

“And then,” Theo smirked, “I’d probably wait for some reaction from you because I’m throwing garments and kisses around and you’re just lying here with the excitement of a rock in the woods.”   

“Oh well!” Alex raised his eyebrows, “I’d… I’ll grab the edge of your belt,” Alex changed the tense with a grin, “And drag you to the bedroom on that leash like an indomitable troublemaker you are. This couch is too narrow for what I’d like to do. Will do for an encore, though.”  

“Ooh, greedy boy! Have I misheard it or did you say ‘I’ll’, not ‘I’d’?”

“Yes.”

“Oh… I thought you were actually straight,” Theo mumbled. With a derisive smile, Alex grabbed Theo’s hand and put it on his crotch.

“Feel the straightness.”

Theo groped the “straightness” carefully and perked up again.

“Indeed. How did you cloak yourself so well? Particularly today?”

“Well, it was hard. No pun intended.”

“Oh my god, Alex…” Theo chuckled quietly and rushed to Alex’s laughing lips for a long-awaited kiss.

As if dedication to the script still mattered, Theo followed the self-made plan with tender accuracy. Only countless kisses broke in and reminded that everything was real this time. Alex’s jacket landed on the floor in a gentle whirl, and Theo’s hand flashed upon the shirt buttons, making the cloth burst apart and bare the heaving chest. A vehement kiss burnt Alex’s neck, and he knew it was his turn to join in and play. Alex seized the edge of Theo’s belt, crawled from beneath him and receded to the bedroom, dragging Theo after him. It was a slow stroll, since Alex had had little time and concentration to memorize Theo’s flat. As Alex’s legs hit the bed, he pulled Theo close with a single forceful movement, making him grin contently. Theo leaned for a kiss but Alex just smirked and grasped his chin, postponing another loving trifle. Now both were sure they were going to get the treat in any case, and teasing was welcome again. Silent impatience hung between two faces, whereas everything beneath brisked up, hands bumping into each other and fumbling with the garments.

“Writing the next line of the script, Al?” Theo whispered as the last restrictive veils fell.

“To hell with the script,” Alex said zealously, “Here and now, let’s improvise.”


	5. The Show Must Go Wrong

The friendly morning light was illuminating the bedroom and caressing two young men’s outlines amidst the crumpled linen. Theo was already awake but he did not haste to leave the bed. The fragile sleeping figure, tangled up in white cloth like an antique sculpture, held his eye. A few lovely curls were covering the dozing face. Afraid to wake Alex up, Theo hesitated to sweep them away, in spite of the temptation to admire a better view. Theo hoped that he would have a lot more chances to gaze at this beautiful face, whether resting on a pillow, turned up to the sky to count stars, caressed by seawater and in so many other situations, the amount of which was not limited by the intolerable rules anymore.

Tickled by the intense stare, Alex opened his eyes and stretched out. The first thing he saw was Theo smiling at him through the morning haze, propped up on his elbow. The corner of his mouth twitched at Alex’s disoriented grimace and wildly ruffled hair. Theo finally put the curls away from Alex’s face and stroked his cheek.

“Good morning, Al. Slept well?

“Oh… Yeah…” Alex mumbled drowsily, wondering whether he was still sleeping. It was too much like a dream to disambiguate at once. “And you?”

“Absolutely. Wait, don’t move. I want to take a picture,” Theo said and reached for his phone.

“Eh? I’m barely at my best now…” Alex murmured, trying to slick his hair into something decent, and Theo almost jumped in protest.

“You always are! I’ve been watching you sleeping for I don’t know how long, you look like a Renaissance painting, honestly. I didn’t take a picture until now because I wanted your permission. It’s kind of rude to make use of such a vulnerable state.”

“Is your project going NC-17?” Alex grinned, although he hoped that the odd excuse had been left behind as unnecessary and that the picture would not go anywhere beyond Theo’s phone.  

“No, it isn’t. Do you understand how many children are following me?” Theo wondered absently, in search for the best angle. Alex’s face fell, whereas the blanket rushed up to his shoulders.

“Uh… Isn’t it… kind of… indecent?”

“Oh, don’t worry. Right angle, right cropping, right filter – and it will only be slightly suggestive. Probably not even clearly understandable without the due context. But we’ve provided enough by now, I guess. Hey, move that at least an inch down! I can take pictures of that blanket alone at any time!”

Slightly irritated, Alex obeyed but made sure that the blanket was covering most of his body. The suggestion seemed troublesome to him not only because of the exposure part. Could at least one day go unshadowed by sharing the precious moments with people whom they did not even know? Why did Theo have to start this eyewash again right from morning?

“This will definitely be a good point in convincing them we’re together,” Theo said, as though answering the question.

“ _Aren’t we?_ ” Alex wondered gloomily in his mind. It was not just because of this night. Even before it, after all those days, he had got used to Theo so much that deep inside he was sure they were. Every relationship has its leaps and quirks – theirs were just a bit odder than usual.

“I need your stamp of approval,” Theo asked, showing Alex the screen. In all fairness, Theo had been right, and the picture was as vague as it could be with such contents. It consisted mostly of whiteness and linen crumples, and only a sharp collarbone and a dark strand in the corner were hinting at Alex’s presence.   

“It’s alright,” Alex admitted, yet with a resentful shade, “Do you practice in that genre a lot?”

“No… not really. You’re my first,” Theo chuckled and pecked him on the shoulder, “Well, I’ll go make us a breakfast. How hungry are you?”

“Somewhat. But patient and accepting.”

“Hm… Fine, I’ve got some ideas,” Theo smiled, got dressed and went to the kitchen, leaving Alex alone with his cloudy mind. He wanted to do something nice whole-heartedly, and if Alex was ready to wait and lie in bed for a while, a good breakfast would be the first in line. Humming a merry tune, Theo estimated the contents of his fridge and decided to bake chocolate muffins. The recipe seemed quick and easy, and, what was more important, the sweet tooth in the bedroom would probably jump for joy.

“Theo, you’ve got a text!” Alex shouted from the bedroom when Theo was already pouring the dough into forms.  

“Oh, from whom?” Theo wondered, appearing in the doorway, and Alex lowered his eyes.

“Didn’t look.”

“It’s alright. I’ve got another phone for assassination requests and drugs orders, anyway. Damn, how did that slip out?”

Chuckling, Alex reached for Theo’s phone on the bed stand and held it out, but Theo just shook his head impatiently.

“Come on, just read it out, and I’ll go back to the kitchen. It’s probably nothing important.”

“Well, uh… It’s from Adam,” Alex said, glancing at the screen. The next line made him blush and stumble. “He… Uh… “Don’t you think it’s too much?”, he wrote. See, I’ve told you a picture like that would be a bit… ostentatious.”

“Consulting me on morals again, isn’t he?” Theo grumbled, and his eyes turned into black narrow slits, “I like this picture, and it’s not going anywhere.”

“I’m fine with it as long as it pleases you,” Alex hasted to add but Theo already grabbed the phone and walked away, murmuring something indistinctly. Once in the kitchen again, Theo called Adam and asked in annoyance:

“What’s too much? The picture?”

“The picture’s more or less acceptable, I meant the whole situation,” Adam explained, “Did you really bring him home at 10 a.m. just to pose presumably naked or is the game not a game anymore?”

Theo heaved a sigh of relief and took the bowl with dough again, finishing the job with a merry smile.

“I wouldn’t eliminate the game element completely but, I guess, it’s closer to the second option.”

“Whoa, good news,” Adam said, serene gladness growing in his voice intangibly, “Going steady, then?”

“Maybe. I haven’t figured out yet. It could be excess. But it’s great to have him around, you know. At least we don’t have to pretend it’s just about the show anymore. Yesterday we still had to, though, and you can’t imagine what a torture I went through. I have never been teased so excruciatingly!”

“Okay, spare me the details. And what does he think?”

“Oh, I don’t know but I was thinking of talking about it today,” Theo said, “Telling him everything as it is. Alex’s a really shadowy guy, actually, but I think we’re going to be fine because…”

As Theo proceeded to spout a list of hopeful episodes, Alex sat up on the bed and looked around, unable to hear the talk through the walls. The neat rows of books and CDs caught his eye, and Alex thought that it would be nice to ask Theo about them so that he would have an opportunity to talk about what he loved for hours and Alex would just listen and smile. Or maybe let him complete his presumed photo project, however weird it could get. Or fulfil as many plans from the little black notebook as Alex would be able to remember. Just do something that would make Theo excited and happy.

Alex scrutinized every detail of the morning that had just started. He thought about how Theo had insisted on him reading the text, as if inviting him to his personal space and trying to dispel the secrets between them, how he had refused to delete the picture and avowed that he liked it. Moreover, he seemed to like the picture itself, not the impact it was supposed to have. Yes, he had remarked that it was for effect but he had also paid Alex a compliment and basically confessed that he liked a disheveled, sleepily slow-witted and vulnerable Alex just as much as his glossed public version. Whatever Theo babbled – and Alex had already noticed that he babbled without thinking all the time – this morning felt as cozy and sincere as never before. Sentimentality wrapped Alex tighter than the blanket, under which he was trying to hide from the fresh morning breeze. He cast it aside, stood up and sneaked to the kitchen, unsaid words and ungiven kisses burning on his lips.

“Oh fuck, Adam, I’m a moron,” Theo suddenly said into the phone amidst his ardent speech, “I was making chocolate muffins… and I forgot to add chocolate. The dough’s poured out already.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Adam laughed, “Have you forgotten to add muffins as well?”

“No,” Theo said in pain, looking at the filled forms, as Alex showed up in the doorway but lingered there, hearing that Theo was still on the phone. Behind Theo’s back, Alex could not see what he was doing, and Theo, in his turn, was unaware of Alex’s presence.

“Well, it’s no wonder. I’ve never seen you cooking them before.”

“It’s just an isolated occurrence. Probably won’t ever happen again,” Theo grumbled, making Alex’s anxiety leap again. He had not heard the context and connected the phrases to his own concern about what could have been just an “isolated occurrence”.

“Do you even like that sweet stuff?”

“Like? Ah, not me. It’s for Alex, mostly. Apparently, he does.”

“Sorry,” Adam said sympathetically, “I hope you can fix this.”

“Too late to fix this,” Theo lamented, “I don’t think it makes sense by now.”

Alex stood in the doorway dumbstruck. What he was hearing, judging only by Theo’s phrases, made him immensely paranoid. Even before, that fear had been eroding his mind bit by bit, and some worries are a sticky matter – everything clings to them and seems to become a part of the problem, although in fact being fairly far from it. The random dispirited phrases only reinforced the single painful way, in which Alex could imagine the context of the talk.

“Maybe you can make just muffins instead of chocolate muffins,” Adam tried to cheer his friend up, “Try them, maybe they’re alright like this as well.”

Theo dipped a finger in one of the forms and licked it, his back hiding the movement from Alex.

“Ew, not sweet at all. Wrong from the very beginning.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, it’s just muffins,” Adam said as Alex lowered his eyebrows bitterly, “You’ll make something else.”

“Yeah, right. I’ll get rid of this mess and go for something simpler,” Theo declared, thus throwing Alex from a cliff into the void of desperation. He receded, his lips trembling and unable to utter something and give a sign he was there. Unfixable, senseless, not sweet at all and, after all, simply a mess – was it what Theo really thought of their relationship when it seemed to have taken the right course at last?

In a few minutes, Theo came back to the bedroom with a plate of simple cheese toasts. Alex was sitting on the bed fully dressed. His face was so bleak and weary, as though it was late in the evening and he had just dropped in after a particularly hard day.

“Sorry it took me so long,” Theo apologized, landing beside him, “I’ve had… uh… problems…”

“Okay, I’ll be gone in a sec,” Alex mumbled in vexation and jumped up. After the overheard talk, he was sure that the problem was him. However, Theo caught his retreating figure by the edge of the shirt and pulled him back.

“Please, stay. I swear these are not that bad to search for the nearest café.”

Alex took a toast obediently and nibbled it. Frightened by the sudden hostility, Theo made another journey to the kitchen to bring tea and a few sweets in hopes to make up for his culinary fail and cheer Alex up. Sitting next to him, Theo felt just as hesitant as he had been the day before. He did not understand what had peeved Alex so much. It could not be just the latish breakfast.

Alex felt Theo’s lips brushing against his cheek gently. It made as much sense as cushioning a guillotine. Just a while of painful waiting, Alex thought, and Theo would speak out and cut the knot. But at the moment his lips were too busy kissing Alex below the ear to say anything. Why all this tenderness? What for? Or was he going to “get rid of the mess” a bit later? And did their theatrical game go on, after all?

The kiss got neither rejection nor a reply, and it perplexed Theo even more. Apparently, the lack of affection was not the reason of Alex’s gloom. Discouraged by each other and not even knowing it, the couple sat in silence for a long time. The plate and the cups stood on the bed stand empty. Alex was waiting for the execution, and Theo was hopelessly trying to think of a way to make him smile.

“Anything wrong?” Theo mumbled at last.

“ _Everything’s fucking wrong_ ,” Alex bellowed in his mind but said nothing and just shook his head.

Theo only pretended to believe the denying gesture. Deep inside, he understood that Alex probably had numberless thoughts and worries that he would not confide to him, at least now. A few in-game meetings and a single sultry night were hardly enough for some profound connection. But Theo hoped that there would be no secrets between them one day, and he was ready to endure Alex’s timidity for as long as he would have to, be near him without asking for words too inmost and console him nonetheless. Smiling at the bright future in his mind, Theo put his arms around Alex and pecked him on the forehead. The loving gesture, which Alex took as something of a goodbye kiss, somehow pacified him at the same time. For a short warm moment, it even came to him that what he had heard could have dealt with something completely different and he had just overthought the matter.  

“Let’s go for a walk,” Theo suggested gingerly, “It might be a bit chilly outside today but at least there’s no rain.”

As if a breakup alone was not bad enough, Alex thought, Theo apparently wanted a public breakup, which was ten times worse. It even made sense, however revolting that sense was. A sickeningly demonstrative story deserved a corresponding finale.

“Theo, listen…” Alex started faintly, looking for a way out of Theo’s embrace, “It’s not really… I don’t…”

“It’s fine, we won’t go if you don’t want to,” Theo reassured softly, “Another cup of tea? We can watch something or just lie around.”

“Okay, let’s go for a walk,” Alex suddenly said, once again soothed by Theo’s cloudless care. He felt too weak to back away in time, although he knew it was the most reasonable option. Instead, he decided to give Theo a chance to convince him that there had been a misunderstanding. Or maybe the walk would be good enough to make Theo change his mind, and they would last a few more days or weeks. There had to be some way to postpone the resolution of their real plot line. It could not come right after the exposition.

“Great! Where do you want to go?”

“Wherever you lead me.”

Theo jumped up and rushed to the wardrobe with a glimpse of former enthusiasm in his eyes. Alex watched him rummaging through clothes for a while and then asked:

“What’s up? Looking for a treasure map?”

“No, I just thought that it will be picturesque if you wear one of my jackets. I mean, in the show sense. Not that yours is bad, of course! Just a bit dusty and crumpled so… Oh, look, one of my favourites! Take this one, it’s noticeable enough,” Theo suggested, handing Alex a grey and black garment, “It’s probably a bit big for you but I think it will work anyway.”

Alex put it on unwillingly. He liked the jacket; he did not like the “show sense”.

“You look fantastic,” Theo beamed nonetheless, and his genuine smile illuminated Alex’s gloomy mind for a while. Grinning just with the corner of his mouth, Alex took his sunglasses from the table and put them on Theo’s nose.

“Sorry, this is the only thing I can contribute to the barter right now.”

“Whoa…” Theo said, looking into the mirror, “It’s been a while since I wore aviators. They look nice, though.”

“Don’t get your hopes up, they’re old and dear to me,” Alex warned with a feeble chuckle and thought how absurd it was to hold such a trifle back, whereas his heart and soul had already come into Theo’s possession.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get my own ones,” Theo smiled at him, “Matching sunglasses would be a good thing.”

The walk, once again, was a complete disaster. Every little thing perturbed Alex and got the worst possible interpretation, analyzed from the angle of the long-suffering belief that Theo was a completely wrong person for him and that it had been clear right from the moment he had suggested this hideous PR campaign, which was now overdue. Alex hated Theo’s constant urge to take pictures, as though to excuse them strolling together. Alex hated how Theo clung to him hastily when somebody came by to witness the scene. Alex hated how he had made a circus show out of something so important and intimate.

The reconstructed wall of enmity was now even harder to break through. Bewildered by the unusual amount of frowning and balking, Theo cut down on the attempts to be tender and got lost in guesses about where he had already managed to fail so hard. When exactly had the enchanted smile escaped from Alex’s face and when had he started dodging from kisses again? Alex either ignored the worried questions or mumbled something irrelevant in reply, and Theo could not grasp the reason on his own.

They sat on a bench with a serene view of small shops and big trees. People around were paying little attention to them, although there were crowds of them – mostly couples, relaxing on benches as well. Among them, Theo and Alex looked the least like lovers, silent, funereal and keeping their distance. While Alex seemed to be examining the tiles beneath them with the attention of a landscape designer, Theo was glancing at those couples helplessly, as if looking for a hint. The deadpan walk was a poor introduction for what Theo was hoping to say. Blurting it out in the middle of strained silence would make no sense.

“Al…” Theo started hesitantly, grazing his hand, “I love… spending time with you…”

Alex tensed up and waited for the upcoming but. Theo was waiting too, but for a reaction, so that he could go on with more confidence.

“Do you?” Theo finally asked when the silence got too long.

“Yeah,” Alex said shortly.

“I’m glad to hear that. Look, I…” Theo mumbled, “It feels like we’re leading a double life, and I don’t want it to be the case with us anymore.”

At the sight of Alex’s face getting pale as a sheet Theo stuttered again but found the courage to go on.

“Of course, in a sense, what we had was nice. But now it’s splitting me up, you know what I mean? So this is why I wanted to say…”

Alex raised his hand as a sign to stop, not ready to take the final words. The point was clear enough, however soft Theo tried to make it. Theo stared at his palm in confusion. The gesture was nowise playful.

“Al, why?” Theo only murmured, “I just wanted to say… We don’t have to pretend anymore, do we?”

“Oh, pretend?” Alex blurted out angrily, “Teach me, the great pretender, if you ever have free time from showing off!”

Astonished, Theo recoiled into the wooden armrest and gaped at him.

“You’re all fake to the backbone with your fucking Instagram and idiotic scripts,” Alex said with deadly coolness, “I’m so sick of your splashy antics and rom-com tropes. What kind of infantile asshole would ever consider playing out love funny?”

“But I just…”

Alex had little strength left to listen to whatever he would say. His voice got strident and sharp.

“This fucking burlesque was repelling. I must’ve been mental to agree. With your meager maturity, I understand you need new toys all the time. But a human soul is the worst one you could choose. Goodbye, Theo.”

Alex stood up and went away in big merciless steps, but Theo caught up with him in two leaps and grasped his elbow.

“Alex, wait, I…”

“Get the fuck off me!” Alex yelled and jerked his arm away, “I don’t want to be seen with you ever again! God forbid somebody thinks we’ve got something in common!”

He left Theo standing amidst the square with a grimace of desperation. Theo barely understood why Alex had thrown a fit at this particular moment – maybe he just felt what Theo was going to say and cut him off in time because he did not need those words at all. This tantrum was not very much like him. Or did it just contradict the dreamlike image Theo had built in his mind? He could hardly claim he knew Alex well, with all the meager interaction they had had, particularly when most of it had been not even between them but between the characters they played. A single outburst of passion changed very little in the whole picture. Everybody has their needs and everybody does inconsiderate things. But overall, the game was just a game, and it had its losers.

Distress and anger did not leave Alex for a few more days, permeating all his actions. It was just that every little thing would be better with Theo by his side, with all his unnecessary comments, silly puns and dainty kisses. Alex tried to convince himself that, in fact, so little had happened between them (especially the real them) that losing his mind so quickly and recklessly was barely justified. However, separation and time only tend to embellish the feelings, particularly the ones belonging to a romantic soul.

Besides the inner downpour, several outer reminders of the pretended lover kept raining on Alex. The day after the farewell, Alex opened his wardrobe and saw Theo’s jacket. Right after the talk, he had been too carried away to notice he had just walked away in it and forgotten to retrieve his sunglasses too. What’s worse, Alex realized that the barter had been unequal: his own jacket was also in Theo’s flat. Alex damned everything on Earth, starting with Theo’s distractive smile and his own absentmindedness. He should not have agreed for the exchange at all, when he had been almost sure that he would never come back to Theo’s place again. Languishing, Alex put on the accursed jacket, nestled on his bed with a guitar and hummed the unfinished tune quietly. Only one thought could bring him on the needed wavelength to complete it.

The further, the more questions from his friends he got. How was his and Theo’s relationship going? Would they go to that festival and that party? How had everything started at all? Alex had no idea how to take this flood so he just kept giving extremely vague answers, admitting and denying nothing. Then a rumor about him shouting at Theo in the street and leaving alone came up. Although the essence was true, it was framed in a ridiculous amount of dramatic details, from Alex slapping Theo in the face to Theo throwing a trashcan at Alex. The inflated gossip aroused a new wave of inquiries; now everyone was concerned whether they were still together. Baffled by the exuberance of worries about such a fleeting affair, Alex just assured them they were. The opposite answer would cause even more questions, and Alex did not feel ready for that. Furthermore, deep down he hoped that everything would uncoil somehow and his words would not be a lie.

One day his managers gave him a call that completed and explained the previous ones at the same time. The PR team said that, although they had been anxious in the beginning, eventually the issue received positive feedback (“ _Feedback, for fuck’s sake!_ ” Alex thought angrily, “ _As if it’s a crappy paperback!_ ”). It turned out that the unlikely couple and their rare but lovely appearances mostly fascinated people, and it would be great to keep on, since the pretended romance became a dear topic so fast. Alex balked, but sluggishly and just for spite. This time, he drowned the inflaming teenage rebellion feelings easily. Now he at least had an excuse to call Theo. To use it or not – it was a secondary question.

Theo got even more questions, beleaguered both on- and offline. Whereas he could just ignore the first type of attacks, the second one demanded more patience and inventiveness, since Theo did not want to say anything that could discredit Alex. Moreover, during that very period, Theo and Adam had a scheduled interview, and the journalist used the chance to bring the issue up again. The wording was rather indirect, but overall the question was no more covert that the bed picture on Theo’s Instagram had been. Well aware of the odd breakup and what feelings it had caused, Adam interrupted the awkward silence with a sarcastic remark and almost forced the talk to take another direction. Theo thanked him afterwards and, once again, broke into a groan on how dumb the situation was. Almost two weeks had passed, and he still did not even understand what had pushed Alex off the rails. After another heated retelling, Adam sighed and admitted that the jigsaw puzzle lacked pieces so maybe – just maybe, Adam emphasized, opposed to letting such a brief and lightweight affair suck his friend’s blood any longer – it would make sense to try talking to Alex again. And that was the excuse Theo held on to.

However, Alex was the first one to venture a call, although the problematic situation had not been solved, and Alex was not even sure Theo would like to hear his voice. The managers’ request was his white flag. As far as Alex knew, Theo had never confirmed their breakup, despite the fact that he had his opportunities, and it was a hopeful sign.

“Theo, hi,” Alex finally mumbled into the phone. Suddenly he heard a loud thud and winced in fear. “Theo? Uh… Are you there?”

“Hello. I’ve fallen off my bed,” Theo informed. “ _Of excitement about you calling me at last_ ,” he admitted in his mind.

“I should’ve figured,” Alex chuckled, “Well… The reason I’ve called, uh… I just…”

“I guess, you wanted to ask for your jacket and sunglasses? Before you do, let me speak,” Theo interrupted him hastily, “Sorry I’ve started all this game. The thing is, I just honestly believed it would be something nice and harmless. But I swear, it was never all about some laughable husk. You’re one of the most interesting and wonderful people I’ve ever met, and I’m grateful for every minute we spent together, whether alone or in public. If anything ever gave you a contrary impression, just tell me and I will never do it again.”

Warmness dashed through Alex’s chest, and he smiled timidly. Theo’s earnest voice was one of the best ways to convince him of anything.

“What got into you back then?” Theo added after a cautious pause, “I thought we were fine, and you suddenly blazed up for no reason at all.”

Alex hesitated for a moment and admitted:

“I heard you talking in the kitchen that day.”

“And?” Theo asked in confusion. Of course, somebody overhearing you talking to your best friend is an uncomfortable situation, but Theo could not remember which part could infuriate Alex so much.

“You said you wanted to get rid of this mess which wasn’t sweet at all… That you didn’t even like, uh… something…” Alex mumbled, “That it had been an isolated occurrence… And I thought…”

“Oh my god, Alex! Did you really…? Fucking hell!” Theo burst out laughing so loudly that the trembling phone almost jumped out of Alex’s fingers, “I’m not even sure it’s worth telling you what it really was about because you’ll blush so hard your cheeks will ignite.”

“Why?!”

“I was trying to bake chocolate muffins for you but I forgot to add chocolate and realized when it was too late. What you heard was just me complaining at my stupidity to Adam. Did you really take it on your account?”

“I… uh…” Alex blushed immensely indeed and stumbled.

“Well, can’t deny you’re such a muffin at times,” Theo giggled genially, “Won’t you just ask me next time instead of building up a drama in your head?”

“Look who’s talking about making dramas,” Alex smiled, his sense of humor recovering swiftly, “Never thought it was contagious.”  

“Ha-ha! We’re probably destined for drama, one way or another.”

“Speaking of drama… Managers called me the other day.”

“Still in mourning?”

“Not really. Moreover, now they say we should go on because people like us together,” Alex said and thought, “ _Not to mention how I do_.”

“I told you we would be a charming couple,” Theo exulted, “Mine went along with it too. They weren’t even too surprised. Oh, by the way, have you heard how some magazines call us now?”

“How?”

“Indie’s gay power couple… or something.”

“Oh fuck, really?” Alex laughed along with Theo.

“Yeah, ridiculous, I know. It’s supposed to be a complimentary term, though.”

Both kept silent for a second, having realized that a part of their initial aim had just fallen off. They were not pissing anyone off anymore.

“Shall we live up to it, then?” Alex asked hopefully nonetheless.

“Sure!” Theo exclaimed, “Do you want to meet?”

“You wanted to go skateboarding together, didn’t you? I’m not really good at it and I don’t even have a skateboard but if we rent or buy one and if you help me a bit…” Alex suggested shyly. 

“Aw, you remember that list,” Theo melted in bliss.

“Of course, I do. No calm for me until we tick every square.”

“And then you’ll go rest on your laurels?” Theo grinned.

“We’ll write a new list and do it all over again,” Alex promised with a smile.

Stirred up like a teenager before the first date, Alex darted to the meeting place. It was one of the last days of spring, and the foliage was so lush that it seemed impossible that the trees had blossomed just a few weeks ago and before that, the branches had been dark and lonesome. Theo was already standing at the skate shop and throwing around hopeful glances. One shot Alex down from afar. For a second, he stumbled and froze, two weeks’ worth of feelings weighting him down, but then Theo smiled, and Alex’s blood broke into a gallop. The tiles felt like tiny tilted trampolines, throwing him up and forward faster and faster.

Finally, Alex ran into Theo’s open arms and hugged him, too smitten to be sure whether his feet were floating off the ground in bliss or Theo had picked him up. All he knew was that Theo was the reason of his uplift both ways.

“I missed you,” Theo whispered, looking up at him with unbounded adoration.

“I missed you too but now I’m flying again,” Alex smiled, and, as they kissed, nothing mattered less than where they were and how many people were looking. The old paradigm did not deserve a wordy goodbye, and the greeting speech for the new one could wait.


	6. Quit

Two rented skateboards glided across the pavement softly, the distance between them defined by interlaced hands above. Theo smiled at Alex all the way, and Alex squeezed his hand every time to remind him to look at the road instead but chuckled contently nonetheless. After an hour of tender tutoring and a few failed stunts, they decided it was best just to roll side by side. However, just as Alex expected, Theo’s consent with the calm did not last long.

“Listen, let me show you another one,” Theo suggested eagerly, slowing them both down with his foot on the ground.

“Alright. With my vast hour-long experience of gripping your hand and rolling along like a kid on a snow sled, I feel like I’m finally qualified.”

“Ha-ha, it’s really easy! Look, this leg goes down like this… This one up there… And you ollie!” Theo explained as he performed the jump.

“Is this a tricky way to kill me?” Alex laughed.

“Tricky indeed, yeah. Can you at least try? It’s not as hard as it might seem,” Theo said, repeating the stunt, “But hard enough to deserve some admiration. Applause, maybe.”

“Really? I’ll check it out first and then decide if you do,” Alex declared. As he proceeded to practice the steps of the trick, Theo skated around him nonchalantly, making sure that Alex noticed all the stunts he managed to insert into the basic routine. “Is this the point when the magic happens?” Alex wondered, balancing on the tilted skateboard, “And you just… Oh shit!” he shouted as the wooden surface slipped away from his legs and he fell into a bush, “Fucking hell!”

“Now you see I definitely deserve some praise,” Theo remarked, laughing so hard that his trajectory grew chaotic. Before Alex managed to get a branch out of his face and say something, Theo crashed into a lamppost. Now it was Alex’s turn to roar with laughter.

“Yeah, now you do, after such an inventive trick,” Alex chuckled as he got out of the bush and stood on his skateboard again, “Are you alright?”

“It’s fine,” Theo reassured, rubbing his forehead. Worried, Alex rode closer, stopped in front of him and put his hands on Theo’s shoulders.

“Sure?”

“Oh, look, we’re the same height when you’re on a skateboard and I’m not!” Theo remarked merrily instead of an answer. The toecaps of his shoes hid under the board as he embraced Alex and grinned. “More convenient to kiss, isn’t it?”

Alex smiled and gave him a kiss, teasing in its lightness.

“Right. Heights don’t matter much when you lie down, though.”

“Are you foreseeing another embarrassing fall or suggesting that we decrease the rental period?” Theo wondered, raising his eyebrows innocently and restraining a smirking curve in his lips.

“Just the second one, preferably. But if we’re being realistic…” Alex pondered aloud and got shushed by Theo’s laughing kiss of approval. The small wheels twitched but Theo blocked him with his foot and hugged Alex tighter so that he would never move away again. Alex’s big hopes and dreams, fed by their owner’s sentimentality and petted by separation, only grew stronger. And how could he reject them, when he failed to find a single feature in Theo that he did not like? Well, except for one. The reticence about the current status of their relationship.

The next morning, Alex woke up at the smell of chocolate, so luscious as though he was at a confectionery factory. When he opened his eyes, he saw a bowl of muffins standing on the bed stand right in front of his face. Theo was sitting on the bed with a triumphant grin, already dressed.

“I owed you them,” he explained as he bent and kissed the shaggy sleepyhead’s cheek, “I’ve done it right at last. Even though nobody probably thought I could.”

Alex stretched lazily and sat up with an amiable smile. Words of rapture came difficultly in the morning.

“Come on, take one,” Theo asked impatiently, and Alex obeyed, “How is it? Sweet this time?”

“Not as sweet as you.”

“Great! This was what I was aiming for. I don’t need extra rivals.”

Alex crawled to the beaming confectioner and kissed him. The most important thing to him was that Theo would always be near to sweeten things, even when they were not so nice. Inspired by gratitude so tender, Theo pulled him closer. The muffin in Alex’s sleepily flaccid hand bumped into Theo’s chest, leaving a chocolate stain on his T-shirt.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Alex mumbled as Theo examined the dirty spot.

“Oh, my favorite T-shirt, you clumsy cub… Give me the muffin and close your eyes, I want my revenge.”

With his eyes closed, Alex felt Theo’s finger spreading chocolate filling on his face. Alex estimated the route, opened his eyes and asked through laughter:

“Have you really just drawn a fucking heart on my cheek?”

“And…” Theo said, adding a few more strokes, “A musketeer beard. I know you want one. You’re welcome.”

“Oh yeah? Wouldn’t hire you as my personal barber.”

“It’s not like I’m applying. Oh! Let’s play the tattoo artist and his client! I’ll put a chocolate tattoo guess where?” Theo giggled, his hands examining the possible places, but Alex waved away playfully.

“Maybe later? Theo, I’ve just woken up and I barely realize myself… My face’s all sticky...”

“You didn’t complain yesterday, though.”

Alex laughed as color rushed across his face.

“Can I just take a shower first before things get sticky again? Or, like… really clean, considering the place… We’ll see…”

“Okay, I’m intrigued,” Theo smirked at the awkward phrasing, “Climb on my back, I’ll carry you.”

Alex did willingly, and, as Theo stood up, their cheeks bumped into one another. Now Theo’s face wore an imprint of the chocolate heart he had drawn on Alex’s cheek.

“It’s like you’ve just initiated me into a sect,” Theo noticed as they passed a mirror.

“Yeah… A disturbing lot of initiations are going on in nurseries then.”

Two laughing voices rang across the flat as Theo suddenly darted off to carry Alex around in circles, his legs grazing walls and furniture. A scribbled paper emerged in front of Alex’s eyes, and he recalled that piggy back rides had been in Theo’s to-do list from the very start. That was why Alex did not protest a single second, even though his body felt limp and unenthusiastic about any kind of fast movement. Alex had already embraced that list and its unwritten sprouts as his goal for the near future. By now, it was not a script but just some tips on how to please Theo. There was nobody to pretend for. They were just fooling around in Theo’s flat all alone, smearing each other with chocolate like 5-year-olds and laughing carelessly. Most of their best moments so far had been permeated with that childishness, since children are usually the most sincere ones in expressing their emotions.

Suddenly the doorbell interfered in their laughter. Theo stopped so abruptly that Alex almost fell off.

“Who is it?” he asked jealously.

“Oh… It’s probably Adam,” Theo answered, walking to the door, with Alex on his back, “I’ve forgotten we agreed to meet today and discuss some working matters.”

“Wait, put me down, I look improper,” Alex balked but Theo just leaned forward to keep him up and opened the door.

It was Adam indeed. The yesterday’s vehement reconciliation had whirled up so quickly that the arrangement vanished from Theo’s head, and he forgot to warn his friend about possible alterations. Adam lingered on the threshold and goggled at the truly peculiar view in front of his eyes. An embarrassed Alex in underpants was hanging on Theo’s back and kicking him in the sides slightly, Theo was beaming brighter than summer sun, both were smeared with chocolate, and, finally, had matching hearts on their cheeks.

“Good morning,” Adam finally uttered after a few seconds of staring at this image agaze, “Am I interrupting something?”

“No, please, come in,” Theo said and receded to let him in, getting another subtle kick from Alex. Adam stretched out his hand to him.

“Well, I’m Adam.”

“I’m Alex,” Alex mumbled, shaking his hand with certain trouble, “Theo’s undetachable backpack, apparently.”

“Nice matching tattoos,” Adam remarked, looking at their cheeks, “Does the artist work in the nearest kindergarten?”

“Oh, I don’t know, do you?” Alex could not resist and hissed into Theo’s ear. Finally, Theo acknowledged the discomfort and let him escape to the bathroom. Adam saw Alex’s scarlet ears off with his eyes and looked at Theo, who was rubbing chocolate off his cheek and licking his fingers. He distinguished curiosity in Adam’s face and invited him to the living room with a gesture.

“Together again?” Adam wondered, nodding at the wall, as they sat down on the couch.

“Well, technically, we didn’t break up at all.”

“I remember. Still, those two weeks of silence weren’t a very coupley thing to do.”

“Who doesn’t have quarrels once in a while?” Theo objected, “We made up yesterday. Turns out everything had been just a major misunderstanding. Remember when I was complaining about the muffins to you? Alex thought it was about him. Like, about me wanting to get rid of him and calling our relationship an unsweet mess.”

Adam raised his eyes to heaven, trying not to laugh.

“That’s one really mature reason to quarrel.”

“I know,” Theo smiled, now apparently finding the matter ridiculous only in a cute way, “Alex is so inarticulate at times. He could’ve just asked me what was going on, and I would’ve said.”

“Did you?”

“I gave some thought to it… Actually, there’s no need.”

“And you’re not going to call me at 3 a.m. again, like, I love him and he has no idea? Or, like, he said this thing to me today and I was wondering what it could possibly mean?” Adam said skeptically, and Theo shook his head.

“No, Adam, you’re signed up to this kind of stuff forever, like it or not. I mean, where we are now is enough for me. If we see each other often, behave like a couple, sleep together… Basically, it’s like we’re dating but I haven’t bound myself and promised anything.”

A minor frown glimpsed on Adam’s face.

“Do what suits you best but it’s kind of… callous. He thinks you have, I guess.”

“What gives you the impression? He might be just as liberal about this.”

“No, I don’t think he is,” Adam nagged. He could picture how the idea would backfire too brightly. “Do you realize he threw a fit just because he thought you were going to leave him? As soon as he realizes you’re saving yourself an easy path for escape, he’ll go away again, this time probably forever. You don’t really want this, right?”

“I… It’s not just an easy escape!” Theo cried, gesticulating wildly, as though it would help Adam understand his motives, “Absolutely not like that! Listen, a relationship in the spotlight is a lot of pressure. Even when the whole thing was just a joke… it wasn’t quite alright. But when there’s this jesting element, it kind of feels liberating, however strange it may sound since no one else knows, in fact. You were right from the start, that game I set up is hard to turn into something proper. I wish I hadn’t suggested it, and then we could’ve just become a common couple, with everything more or less low-key… But it wouldn’t even have started without that game, right?”

As Adam nodded hesitantly, Alex’s pleading shout came from the bathroom:

“Theo, can you bring me a towel, please?”

“Didn’t I give you one yesterday?”

“You did, I just… zoned out and dropped it into water…”

“Sorry, just a moment,” Theo apologized to his chuckling friend, standing up.

“No problem. But remember it’s just a towel you should give, I don’t have time to outwait anything else,” Adam sneered.

When Theo walked into the bathroom with a towel on his shoulder, Alex was standing there dripping wet and adorably embarrassed, his soaked hair lying in a bizarre figure. Drops were resting upon the smooth skin, not so patient ones rushed down one after another, and Theo’s eyes followed the narrow streams thirstily. The cherishing, almost tangible look made Alex blush. He knew it was stupid, when it was not even the first time Theo saw him naked, but he also knew he would blush a hundred times more because some feelings’ fluster never runs out. Wet and rosy-cheeked, Alex looked almost like when they had kissed first, caught by the rain in the middle of a lawn. Carried away by those memories, Theo threw the towel around Alex like a cape, pulled him closer by the edges, and kissed him again. Water soaked the front of Theo’s clothes, but he did not care. This protective gesture was supposed to let this fragile and childishly sensitive human being know that Theo would never hurt him again.

“Theo, I’ve told you…” Adam grumbled from the living room, calling the enthralled couple back to sense.

“In a sec, Adam! Al, sorry, can you stick around in the bedroom while we talk?” Theo asked, stroking Alex’s cheek, “It’ll take no more than an hour. Just a few things about the next album. You can rummage through my disks or watch TV. Whatever you find is yours to play.”

“Okay, I’ll sneak the disk you whipped away in front of my eyes on our first date,” Alex smiled, “Can’t find it anywhere since then.”

“I’ll just pretend I haven’t heard this and catch you red-handed later, then we’ll see,” Theo promised jokingly, heading back to the living room.

In a few minutes, Alex was lying on the bed dressed and pondering which one of the suggested entertainments he should choose. His mind was too fixed on Theo to switch to something unrelated. Of course, everything in this room was Theo-related in a sense, but at the moment Alex felt more like talking about what was flooding his mind than examining Theo’s belongings. However, Theo was busy now, and Alex would forget all the unconventional odes in his presence anyway so there was no other way to speak out. Except for…

“Hi, Miles, we made up!” Alex declared into the phone happily, trying to keep a low voice.

“Oh, great!” Miles exclaimed, “I’m happy to hear this! How did it go?”

“Well, I called him yesterday and found out I had just misinterpreted some nonsense. And then…”

“Why are you speaking so quietly? I can barely hear you.”

“Uh… I’m at his place, and Theo’s behind the wall.”

“Okay, I see,” Miles laughed, “Everything else is clear enough. So you quitted the game at last, right?”

“We… uh, well, I hope so…” Alex stumbled to admit what was bugging him deep inside, “Actually, I have no idea if we’re still flaunting around. It would require some discussion, right?”

“Yeah. Not sure if it’s valid without a signed contract and stuff,” Miles sneered.

“But how do I know it wasn’t just a random flare-up? What do you think?” Alex pleaded, sure that Miles would know better.

“Okay, tell me how it went in detail,” Miles sighed, and Alex retold the yesterday’s meeting willingly, glad to relive every pointless trifle once again and pour out the bottled delights. Miles listened to the verbose story with patience. However, when Alex lingered on the description of a single kiss for a whole minute, he gave up. “Al, wait. I’m pretty sure you can calm down.”

“Can I?”

“Yeah, you could’ve since, like… 10:32 of your story,” Miles chaffed, “He’s totally into you, mate. Enjoy the moment.”

“The moment? I don’t want just a moment, that’s the point!” Alex flamed up but remembered about the thin wall in time and shushed, “This game was about moments but what I want is beyond them. I’ve had enough of playing a true or false quiz and counting hours until the next round.”

“He literally told you it had never been the deal with you. What else do you want?”

“Just to know where this is going. Not too much to ask.”

“Your ‘all or nothing’ attitude might scare him away, I’m afraid,” Miles said cautiously, “And do you really need it, anyway? You keep complaining what an infantile blabbermouth he is, and there’s sure going to be more of that. A full flood instead of sporadic dozes you get now.”

“Yeah, but I’m in love with that infantile blabbermouth,” Alex sighed, “And a whole flood is not enough.”

“Alright, mate, just do your thing but I wouldn’t recommend twitching too much. The threads might rip,” Miles concluded.

When Adam left, Theo came back to the bedroom in cheerful bounces, feeling playful. His mood sank at once when he saw Alex sitting on the bed with a burdened face. It was like the previous unfortunate visit all over again. Worried, Theo sat down beside Alex and hugged him on the shoulder.

“What’s wrong? Overheard some rubbish once again?” Theo asked a bit hesitantly. This time there had actually been something he would not like to be overheard. Alex raised his head slowly and gave Theo a sad, almost guilty look.

“Uh… Hate to start this but don’t you think we have to talk?”

“Okay,” Theo sighed with meager willingness. After talking to Adam, he knew where this was going and prayed that he was wrong.

“Well… What we’ve been having lately is a lot like recursion. Pretending to pretend and so on… I got lost amongst the layers, frankly.”

“Al, closer to the point, please,” Theo asked just to say something. Alex had already proven his guess.

“Alright… The point… I just want to know how many layers we can peel to get to the point. Are we still playing or not?”

“Listen, I can’t say for sure about the earlier days, but since we talked yesterday, every little thing I did and said was completely sincere,” Theo said heatedly, “Not just these two days of honesty, of course. It has been real to me for a long time now. Why do you doubt it so much?”

Alex took Theo’s hand and looked up at him, plucking up courage to say everything as it was this once.  

“Let me be honest too,” Alex said, his determination softened by the tone he got whenever Theo was staring at him like this, “I’m in love with you. And I’ve been since… It’s hard to say since when exactly but it certainly struck long before yesterday, you know.”

Three seconds of uncomfortable silence seemed an eternity, and the muscles in Theo’s face eased off.

“Alex, of course, I love you too. It won’t feel like a sentimental hyperbole to say I’ve been in love with you from the very start. Maybe even earlier than that. Otherwise I wouldn’t have kept trying to talk to you or suggest this at all. I’m not as thoughtless as you think. I was just afraid to make a huge fool out of myself in case it wasn’t mutual.”

Alex cupped his face as though to give a kiss but he lingered and whispered:

“Let’s replay this game, Theo. Replay it for real this time. We’ll have all the firsts all over again but they won’t be overshadowed by doubts whether it even counts. Instead of giving happiness away, we’ll save it all for ourselves. Let this stay just an awkward training, something like a warm-up. But from now it’s going to be serious and profound.”

To his fear, Alex felt Theo receding slightly.

“Uh… Al, it’s hard to have something serious and profound under that immense pressure we’ve dragged upon ourselves,” Theo mumbled, “I like being with you but… I don’t think I’m ready for that.”

Hope went down in Alex’s eyes like a torch in the rain, and Theo rushed to add:

“Can we just stay where we are and get the best out of that?”

“Theo, this is the problem – I don’t understand where we are anymore, particularly when you say things like that,” Alex bewailed quietly, “And wherever it is, it’s not enough for me.”

“Things like that? Don’t you understand? It’s like we’re in an arena! It worked as a joke but that’s all. When it’s serious, I’ll fuck up even faster, with people staring, judging and interfering.”

“But why the imminent fuck up?”

“Because you don’t know me, Alex, and I do!” Theo almost shouted as he jumped up and starting walking hither and thither, “What ‘serious and profound’ are you talking about when you seem to be mixing up the characters and the real us? They’re not quite the same, do you remember? While the real Theo and Alex will be building a relationship from scratch, people will be watching and comparing us to those film guys, and every milestone will be theirs to defile!”

“Do you realize I’m quite aware of how this goes?” Alex asked with barely hidden annoyance.

“I do. But this is a different situation. Anyway, why jump into a whirlpool when listing the days we actually spent together wouldn’t take a minute?”  

“Here’s how you’re talking now. Back then, you told me knowing each other well didn’t even matter much, and now it suddenly does.”

Theo waved his arms angrily.

“Do you remember what else I told you? That the most serious things are sometimes said as a joke. As a joke, Alex, not with the “very serious, handle with care” sign upon them! Because it’s easier that way!”

The unpleasant tension in the room was so fierce that it seemed like something had to crack or fall. With hands on his head, Alex looked down and let out a suffering sigh.

“Why are you afraid of relationships?”

“It’s not just that, I’ve already explained. Counter-question: why are you afraid of something unlabeled?”

“Because I don’t want extra pain!” Alex shouted as he jerked his head up, and Theo cried out in reply:

“What a coincidence! Me neither, this is why! Do you consider us shouting at each other totally painless?”

“I… Of course, I don’t…” Alex stumbled and lowered the tone, “But… Like you said in the beginning, it was important that our motives matched. Well, I don’t think they match anymore. So it’s a deadlock. We can’t go on like this.”

Alex failed to find the strength to look at Theo during these words so he just stared at the floor helplessly. He did not see how terrified and distressed Theo’s face was and what a heartbreaking tremble went through his lips. Alex only saw him when Theo fell to his knees, grabbed Alex’s hands and looked up at him pleadingly.

“No, Alex, please, don’t leave… I was so lonely before you… There must be some way… There must be…” Theo mumbled clichés indistinctly, squeezing Alex’s fingers. The strength of the strike did not let him think of something more personal so quickly. A strand of hair was hanging over Alex’s anguished face; Theo’s pomade just refused to work with his hair, and locks broke away at every abrupt headshake. This only made him look more awkward and vulnerable, and Theo winced with guilt. Just an hour ago, he had sworn to himself that he would not hurt Alex – and now he was hurting them both. It seemed unbelievable that there was not a single loophole to take advantage of, no faintest hope to pull their attitudes together and knot them. Once they had decided to write a purely happy story. Why should it end like this?

“There’s only one way to solve this, Theo,” Alex said quietly, “It’s hard but it has to be done.”

***

A month passed in a flash. Generous summertime heat replaced the timid breath of spring but certain effusive fever seemed to have vanished after the crucial day, the details of which, however, stayed a secret. Busy with music most of the time, Theo and Adam did not discuss it. Adam tried to get closer to the issue a couple of times as though passingly, when in fact he was actually worried, but Theo changed the topic masterfully. Not a single muscle on his face gave away what had actually happened. This time, Adam was not sure whether his resting sad face was misleading.

The seemingly endless gush of pictures ceased, Theo’s Instagram received a profound cleanup, and the once beloved couple was not seen together at all. Questions drizzled from all sides. Nobody got a clear answer – mostly no answer at all. Once harassed to the boiling point, Theo let out a few rather negatively sounding hints, and the besiegement started to fade. Although not taking part in the inquiring assault, Adam was still concerned. Even if they had broken up, Theo would have talked to him about it at least once or twice. Had it really been that bad and painful? And why did that happen at all when the couple seemed to be so merry and carefree? Adam even regretted interfering and giving Theo advice – maybe everything could have gone some other way without this unasked consultation.

Finally, an excuse to ask again came up. They were at a fashion show’s afterparty in a club, and Adam saw Alex talking to somebody in the distance. Adam’s eyes instantly jumped at Theo as though asking him the touchy question again. There was absolutely no change in Theo’s face. Maybe he had not noticed his former lover yet, Adam thought, but the assumption was instantly denied as Theo traced Adam’s glances and remained just as inexpressive. Only his hand trembled slightly and reached for another drink. This gesture was a poor invitation for further inquiries, whether verbal or not, and Adam said nothing. In a while, Alex passed by them, apparently heading for the exit. A darting exchange of bleak glances – and he was already gone, and Theo went back to poking his cocktail with a straw absentmindedly.

“So did you break up for real?” Adam asked, not able to hold in the bother anymore.

“Well, could there be a real breakup for a fake relationship?” Theo said with a sorrowful smirk, “Anyway, it’s over.”

“I’m sorry, Theo. I didn’t want to bring it up again, it’s just important that I hear it from you, not from some filthy tabloids.”

“Please, just don’t be like ‘I told you this would end nastily’ and shit.”

“Of course, I won’t. Is this why you didn’t tell me?” Adam said, glancing from his distracted friend to Alex’s back somewhere near the door.

“I’d tell you later, I just needed time to figure everything out,” Theo mumbled, his eyes still fixed on the drink in such an unnatural way that Adam almost got ready to keep Theo away from a break-up binge. Suddenly Adam looked sideways again and let out a relieved smile. “What are you smiling at?” Theo grumbled tensely, “Which part of it do you find funny?”

“Sorry, Theo, it was irrelevant,” Adam put a serious expression on again, “I just remembered a funny story at a wrong time.”

When Theo walked out of the club, the street was already covered with late summer darkness. Adam had left a bit earlier, thankfully not mentioning the risky topic anymore, but Theo already could not make himself think of anything else. He walked along the murky street, engulfed in memories, streetlamps catching glimpses of his pensive face. The noises of the loud party faded behind as Theo made a turn to a narrower street. There was no sign of nightlife there, and it looked so quiet and peaceful as though a scene from a romantic film was about to be shot. However, it was time to leave this desolate district for something else. Theo sat into a black car and sighed:

“Take me somewhere nice, please.”

“Anything in particular?”

“Where the wild roses grow.”

“Ha-ha, if you’re referring to the song, it doesn’t sound like a particularly nice place to visit at night.”

“Nope, Alex. I meant a literal place. Let’s find one. But first, give me a kiss. I’ve been craving it the whole evening,” Theo grinned and leaned to kiss the smiling lips he had been trying to ignore throughout the party. The car was fortunately parked at such a desolate and dark place that they could finally cast away the apathetic disguise.

“Speaking of going to places…” Alex said, almost trembling with excitement, “I’ve prepared a surprise for you.”

“Wow! What is it?”

“I was thinking – how about renting a cozy house on the coast? We definitely need a getaway, and I’ve found such a beautiful and quiet town to go. Just three hours away. That rural fascination, you know. And the house I’ve found is all covered in climbing roses, ironically…”

“Sounds fantastic, I’m in!”

“That’s not all yet,” Alex smiled proudly, “There’s a reportedly haunted castle nearby. I remember you wanted to see something like that. Seems like I’ve become your personal driver, after all…”

“No, Alex, you’re a wizard,” Theo gasped of delight and kissed him again, “I love you.”

“I love you too, my dark prince. Let’s just drop in to pack and set off then?”

“Sure. This is a brilliant idea, I’m so excited!”

Alex started the car with a flattered grin. For a while, both just kept silent and smiled at the windscreen, anticipating the long-awaited peace and seclusion. This month of tidying up the aftermath of the game and trying to keep the flourishing feelings private was chaotic, although Theo managed to find fun even in that and Alex picked up his contagious attitude once again. The new paradigm worked fine for both of them and they were not going to give it up any time soon. Absolved from pressure and attention, Theo eased off and gladly accepted the kind of relationship Alex wanted, and for Alex, secrecy worked even better. However, restraint and hiding were tiresome at times, particularly after the initial gush, and a little vacation was now overdue.

“What took you so long, by the way?” Alex asked.

“Sorry, met a pal on my way out and couldn’t refuse a talk. By the way, Adam smiled so weirdly when I told him we had broken up. He reads me like a book, and I can do nothing about it. Of course, I’d tell him the truth later but not now… Like, he just glanced at you, than at me, and beamed with sheer awareness! How did he do it?” Theo marveled, shaking his arm in admiration.

Alex smiled absentmindedly, fixed on the road, and Theo bent to peck his shoulder with his nose. Suddenly he rushed back and laughed.

“Oh fuck, Alex, you’re wearing my jacket, this is how!”

“Uh… Your jacket? Fuck, I am,” Alex realized guiltily, examining his sleeves, “Sorry, I’ve forgotten it was yours…”

“Me too! Who thought Adam hasn’t, though… Some observant people might remember as well. This is a fuck up. I thought we weren’t going to let it out.”

“Sorry, I hope it just slips by like a trifle it is,” Alex apologized. They were in the middle of an empty road that did not require close attention, and Alex took Theo’s hand, making use of the opportune moment. “I must admit, I like everything better now, when we’re dating and pretending we’re not than when we were pretending to be dating without actually doing it. I hope we keep it on as long as we can.”

“How long shall we manage, do you reckon?”

“Some manage to keep relationships undercover for years so it’s all up to us, I guess. I’m fine with our current situation. Invasive questions will stop one day, and then it’ll be utterly perfect. The only inconvenience is that we can’t attend public events together now. Particularly concerts.”

“Yeah, that’s bad. How about we get hats, trench coats, vintage glasses and fake moustaches?”

“You’ll rock this completely unsuspicious look,” Alex smiled, “Or we can just put paper bags on our heads.”

“Oh, if you kiss me like that, we can reimagine ‘The Lovers’ by René Magritte!” Theo perked up, “This is going to my photo project.”

“Eh…”

“Damn, I forgot. It’s such a shame I can’t complete it or even post a few pictures. I really liked them.”

“Well, one day,” Alex said hopefully, “Right?”

“Of course. Sorry, Al, I know all those discomforts are my fault,” Theo shook his head in shame, “That we can’t go to places together, that we can’t kiss each other whenever we want to, that we can’t even tell our friends… And all because of that weird idea that’s still backfiring. But I know everything’s going to settle down once, and we’ll be finer than ever. And that will be our happy end that we had planned to write from the start.”

The car slowed down in front of a traffic light. Alex looked up at the sky. The stars were barely visible in the dark, smoggy sky. Then he turned to Theo and saw whole constellations of love and care shimmering in his eyes and lighting the way. Smiling, Alex squeezed his hand and said:

“Don’t rush the happy end. We’re still writing, and this is what matters.”


End file.
